Pete—I’d say with babies, most of the frustration comes from trying to multitask when it’s not feasible, being anxious about why baby’s crying (which gets reduced a lot with subsequent babies), and feeling like one ‘should’ be doing work stuff when it’s not possible. If you don’t sleep train a baby, you also end up sleep deprived, which makes you irritable and frustrated. On the other hand, the happiness is very frequent and strong (assuming baby is healthy and well). I’m naturally quite introverted, dysthymic, and irritable, but being around a happy baby makes me playful, delighted, and grounded; often I’ve been smiling so much at the end of the day that my face muscles hurt (which rarely happens around adults.)
Regarding thinking clearly, the only real cognitive deficits from parenting come from sleep deprivation (which is mostly avoidable), and from having a bit less time for self-care in terms of exercise, nutrition, nootropics, and cognitively stimulating socializing.
I think it’s “mostly avoidable” in the sense that you can avoid the majority of it, but for most parents and kids not in the sense that you can get it down to nothing?
If you are not thoughtful about it you can end up in a place where both parents have sleep that is massively disrupted, at which point it becomes pretty hard to actually address the problem because you’re so tired and thinking so poorly.
Important components in avoiding sleep deprivation:
As Geoffrey says above, sleep training once they’re old enough
The ‘sleeping in separate rooms’ can be extremely useful. My wife and I have very different circadian rhythms, so we find it really helpful to sleep in different bedrooms (in the context of an otherwise happy, loving, and delightful marriage.) We put our baby’s basinet in a separate walk-in closet near one of our bedrooms, which can be made nice, dark, and cozy for daytime naps and nighttime sleep even when it’s not yet dark outside. So, baby being awake for short periods in the night doesn’t need to disrupt our adult sleep, and baby can get scheduled breastfeeding a couple of times a night.
By contrast, many parents of babies try to co-sleep all together in the same bedroom and even in the same bed—I did this with my first baby long ago, and it was extremely disruptive to sleep.
I understand the evolutionary background that co-sleeping with babies was pretty typical for hunter-gatherers, and might be more ‘natural’ in some ways, but I think this might be one of those cases where the original reasons for co-sleeping—protection from predators and parasites and infanticide, keeping baby warm enough during cold nights, etc—might not be as relevant in modern life.
Pete—I’d say with babies, most of the frustration comes from trying to multitask when it’s not feasible, being anxious about why baby’s crying (which gets reduced a lot with subsequent babies), and feeling like one ‘should’ be doing work stuff when it’s not possible. If you don’t sleep train a baby, you also end up sleep deprived, which makes you irritable and frustrated. On the other hand, the happiness is very frequent and strong (assuming baby is healthy and well). I’m naturally quite introverted, dysthymic, and irritable, but being around a happy baby makes me playful, delighted, and grounded; often I’ve been smiling so much at the end of the day that my face muscles hurt (which rarely happens around adults.)
Regarding thinking clearly, the only real cognitive deficits from parenting come from sleep deprivation (which is mostly avoidable), and from having a bit less time for self-care in terms of exercise, nutrition, nootropics, and cognitively stimulating socializing.
I would love to hear any elaboration on how sleep deprivation is mostly avoidable.
I think it’s “mostly avoidable” in the sense that you can avoid the majority of it, but for most parents and kids not in the sense that you can get it down to nothing?
If you are not thoughtful about it you can end up in a place where both parents have sleep that is massively disrupted, at which point it becomes pretty hard to actually address the problem because you’re so tired and thinking so poorly.
Important components in avoiding sleep deprivation:
As Geoffrey says above, sleep training once they’re old enough
Automate baby soothing with a Snoo: https://www.jefftk.com/p/to-the-robobassinet-and-progress (possibly knock offs are good and cheap now, haven’t checked in a year and a half)
Set things up so that only one parent at a time is going to be woken up by baby cries: https://www.jefftk.com/p/baby-sleep-multiple-rooms
Jeff—I strongly endorse these suggestions.
The ‘sleeping in separate rooms’ can be extremely useful. My wife and I have very different circadian rhythms, so we find it really helpful to sleep in different bedrooms (in the context of an otherwise happy, loving, and delightful marriage.) We put our baby’s basinet in a separate walk-in closet near one of our bedrooms, which can be made nice, dark, and cozy for daytime naps and nighttime sleep even when it’s not yet dark outside. So, baby being awake for short periods in the night doesn’t need to disrupt our adult sleep, and baby can get scheduled breastfeeding a couple of times a night.
By contrast, many parents of babies try to co-sleep all together in the same bedroom and even in the same bed—I did this with my first baby long ago, and it was extremely disruptive to sleep.
I understand the evolutionary background that co-sleeping with babies was pretty typical for hunter-gatherers, and might be more ‘natural’ in some ways, but I think this might be one of those cases where the original reasons for co-sleeping—protection from predators and parasites and infanticide, keeping baby warm enough during cold nights, etc—might not be as relevant in modern life.
Expanded on this: https://www.jefftk.com/p/prioritizing-parental-sleep