I’m not going to say any of this is decisively wrong because I’m no kind of authority and relatively new to polyamory myself. But here are a few things that struck me:
I think it’s probably true (I’m curious if you agree) that polyamory, all else being equal, might be less stable than monogamy
FWIW this doesn’t seem true to me, or at least not obviously true. The flipside is that if you have multiple partners it’s comparatively less common for all of your romantic relationships to struggle at once, whereas in monogamy it’s obviously pretty easy for that to happen. Having a mixture of people able to meet your needs seems to me like it would be overall stabilizing. The effects mentioned in the passage I’m quoting also seem real, I’m just not sure what effect is strongest.
I think if you don’t have the skill of handling interpersonal conflicts well, you just shouldn’t be poly
I feel confused about this because it’s not like being bad at handling conflict is great in monogamous relationships either. I would guess-agree that polyamory amplifies it, but I think that basically anyone who can’t handle conflict well is going to have a rough time of relationships generally, and I’m not sure they should be categorically screened off from polyamory in particular on that basis.
[zero-sum stuff]
My take on this is that everyone has different capacity to meet the needs of others, and everyone has different needs. In polyamory as in monogamy, you might not be able to be everything that your partners want you to be, but whether you have other partners and how you relate to them is only one part of that picture. When we say that people might struggle to have time for multiple relationships, IMO we should really be saying they don’t have time for multiple relationshps and their job and their hobbies and whatever else they want to fit into their calendar. Some people struggle with only one relationship! Some people struggle with time management without any relationships! We should also understand that some people feel able to sustain a meaningful relationship on only seeing someone every couple of months (many people feel this way about their family, for example, or old friends), and again it’s just about whether what you’re able and willing to offer lines up with what they want from you and vice versa.
Anyway, none of this is central to the point of the article, but while we’re sharing people’s thoughts and impressions, those are mine.
I’m not going to say any of this is decisively wrong because I’m no kind of authority and relatively new to polyamory myself. But here are a few things that struck me:
FWIW this doesn’t seem true to me, or at least not obviously true. The flipside is that if you have multiple partners it’s comparatively less common for all of your romantic relationships to struggle at once, whereas in monogamy it’s obviously pretty easy for that to happen. Having a mixture of people able to meet your needs seems to me like it would be overall stabilizing. The effects mentioned in the passage I’m quoting also seem real, I’m just not sure what effect is strongest.
I feel confused about this because it’s not like being bad at handling conflict is great in monogamous relationships either. I would guess-agree that polyamory amplifies it, but I think that basically anyone who can’t handle conflict well is going to have a rough time of relationships generally, and I’m not sure they should be categorically screened off from polyamory in particular on that basis.
My take on this is that everyone has different capacity to meet the needs of others, and everyone has different needs. In polyamory as in monogamy, you might not be able to be everything that your partners want you to be, but whether you have other partners and how you relate to them is only one part of that picture. When we say that people might struggle to have time for multiple relationships, IMO we should really be saying they don’t have time for multiple relationshps and their job and their hobbies and whatever else they want to fit into their calendar. Some people struggle with only one relationship! Some people struggle with time management without any relationships! We should also understand that some people feel able to sustain a meaningful relationship on only seeing someone every couple of months (many people feel this way about their family, for example, or old friends), and again it’s just about whether what you’re able and willing to offer lines up with what they want from you and vice versa.
Anyway, none of this is central to the point of the article, but while we’re sharing people’s thoughts and impressions, those are mine.