I thought this was great! With a good illustrator and some decent connections I think you could totally get it published as a picture book. A couple of feedback notes:
The transition from helping people in Johnny’s life to helping people far away via the internet felt a bit forced. If Johnny is supposed to be a student in primary school like the intended reader, it wasn’t clear where he gets his donation budget from and I wonder how relatable that would be (a donation of $25 is mentioned, which I guess could come from allowance/gift money, but it’s implied that it’s only one of many donations). It might be better and more realistic to depict Johnny fundraising for these charities from his parents and other people in his life or community.
One great thing about the first part is that you see the impact of Johnny’s help on his teacher, the bullied kid, etc., whereas that becomes more obscure once he transitions to the internet. I wonder if you could fix that by temporarily switching the focus of the story to the person who got their eyes fixed because of Johnny, showing how meaningful it was for them. I think it’s really critical in a story like this to demonstrate that far-away people are just as real and lead just as worthwhile lives as those close to us.
I thought this was great! With a good illustrator and some decent connections I think you could totally get it published as a picture book. A couple of feedback notes:
The transition from helping people in Johnny’s life to helping people far away via the internet felt a bit forced. If Johnny is supposed to be a student in primary school like the intended reader, it wasn’t clear where he gets his donation budget from and I wonder how relatable that would be (a donation of $25 is mentioned, which I guess could come from allowance/gift money, but it’s implied that it’s only one of many donations). It might be better and more realistic to depict Johnny fundraising for these charities from his parents and other people in his life or community.
One great thing about the first part is that you see the impact of Johnny’s help on his teacher, the bullied kid, etc., whereas that becomes more obscure once he transitions to the internet. I wonder if you could fix that by temporarily switching the focus of the story to the person who got their eyes fixed because of Johnny, showing how meaningful it was for them. I think it’s really critical in a story like this to demonstrate that far-away people are just as real and lead just as worthwhile lives as those close to us.
Thanks very much for the encouragement and feedback Ian, those are excellent ideas, will get writing!