Thanks for the post, C Tilli. I often feel, like you, that I don’t deserve to listen to my own needs as my life is so much better than the lives of the majority of people alive today. When I am feeling down about this, my partner sometimes reminds me that we don’t have the capacity to completely ‘overcome our biology’; we will always care about ourselves and our loved ones more than we care about other people. Whilst you may have acknowledged that you have an obligation to care about far-away strangers, you won’t ever be able to make yourself care about them as much as you care about yourself. I think that it’s okay to acknowledge this, and not expect yourself to be a robot who completely disregards their own desires to attend to the needs of the world.
No-one will ever be a perfect utilitarian. Even if you could achieve it for one day, you would probably be so exhausted afterwards that you would spend days recovering and not doing anything useful with your time.
I recently had a bout of increased scrupulosity regarding altruism, and I found that returning to this post helped. I hope you feel better soon, and please feel free to send me a message if you would like to talk about this.