Thank you for this. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot, too—I wish I had more to add right now but tonight’s a really hard night for me, and delving too deeply into my psychological issues tends to trigger more negativity.
I will say, however, that I’ve been slowly going through the Replacing Guilt blog post series (from Nate Soares) and it has been helpful in dealing with some of these issues, e.g. “feeling like a bad person for not doing enough [of what makes me instrumentally valuable].”
I also do think that the instrumental value argument for self-care is pretty compelling to me; I don’t think I actually need to view myself as inherently worthy. I think this stems from a controversial belief that I’m not sure people inherently ‘deserve’ to live (although this is not a coherent belief because I waver between saying that nobody deserves to die and that some people use up more resources than they give back, which means they don’t ‘deserve’ their resources), so I’m being internally consistent when applying it to myself. Regardless, the instrumental argument is difficult enough for me to put into practice!
Hi Miranda! I’m glad you liked it, and I hope you feel better now. Since it’s been a while since I wrote this I realize my perspective changes a lot over time—it feels less like a conflict or a problem for me right now, and not necessarily because I have rationally figured something out, it’s more like I have been focusing on other things and am generally in a better place. I don’t know how useful that is to you or anyone else, but to some extent it might mean that things can sometimes get better even if we don’t solve the issue that bothered us in the first place.
Regardless, the instrumental argument is difficult enough for me to put into practice!
Thinking of myself as a role model to others has been the most useful to me. Instead of thinking of exactly how much rest/vacation/enjoyment I need to function optimally, I try to think more about what are healthy norms to establish in a workplace or a community. What is good about that is that I get away from the tendency of thinking of myself as an exception who can somehow manage more than others—instead of thinking “Can I push myself a bit further?” the question becomes “Is it healthy/constructive if we all push ourselves in this way?”
But more than having “figured it out”, I have mostly just reached some kind of pragmatic stance where I just allow myself to be egoistic in the sense that I prioritize myself and my loved ones muchy, much higher than we would “deserve” from some kind of detached ethical perspective. I don’t have any way to justify it really, I just admit it and accept it, and it helps me to move on to thinking about other things instead.
Feel free to reach out over DM if you want to chat!
Thank you for responding to my comment and sharing your (more recent) experience! I agree that I don’t need to ‘solve’ it intellectually—I’ve never felt like my philosophy holds me back from feeling fulfilled and I think the issue of low self-confidence is at least partly separate. I’m very glad to hear that you are in a better place now. :)
The role model concept is definitely something I’ve heard before and while it doesn’t really make self-care easy, I agree that it is useful—e.g. when I feel guilty about not working overtime, I remind myself that I would prefer + want to create a society that doesn’t incessantly overwork. Why would anyone want to join a community that doesn’t encourage individual flourishing?
Thank you again for your kind words and your offer! I think I’m good for now but will keep in mind. In the mean time, I hope to see you around the forum!
Thank you for this. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot, too—I wish I had more to add right now but tonight’s a really hard night for me, and delving too deeply into my psychological issues tends to trigger more negativity.
I will say, however, that I’ve been slowly going through the Replacing Guilt blog post series (from Nate Soares) and it has been helpful in dealing with some of these issues, e.g. “feeling like a bad person for not doing enough [of what makes me instrumentally valuable].”
I also do think that the instrumental value argument for self-care is pretty compelling to me; I don’t think I actually need to view myself as inherently worthy. I think this stems from a controversial belief that I’m not sure people inherently ‘deserve’ to live (although this is not a coherent belief because I waver between saying that nobody deserves to die and that some people use up more resources than they give back, which means they don’t ‘deserve’ their resources), so I’m being internally consistent when applying it to myself. Regardless, the instrumental argument is difficult enough for me to put into practice!
Hi Miranda! I’m glad you liked it, and I hope you feel better now. Since it’s been a while since I wrote this I realize my perspective changes a lot over time—it feels less like a conflict or a problem for me right now, and not necessarily because I have rationally figured something out, it’s more like I have been focusing on other things and am generally in a better place. I don’t know how useful that is to you or anyone else, but to some extent it might mean that things can sometimes get better even if we don’t solve the issue that bothered us in the first place.
Thinking of myself as a role model to others has been the most useful to me. Instead of thinking of exactly how much rest/vacation/enjoyment I need to function optimally, I try to think more about what are healthy norms to establish in a workplace or a community. What is good about that is that I get away from the tendency of thinking of myself as an exception who can somehow manage more than others—instead of thinking “Can I push myself a bit further?” the question becomes “Is it healthy/constructive if we all push ourselves in this way?”
But more than having “figured it out”, I have mostly just reached some kind of pragmatic stance where I just allow myself to be egoistic in the sense that I prioritize myself and my loved ones muchy, much higher than we would “deserve” from some kind of detached ethical perspective. I don’t have any way to justify it really, I just admit it and accept it, and it helps me to move on to thinking about other things instead.
Feel free to reach out over DM if you want to chat!
Thank you for responding to my comment and sharing your (more recent) experience! I agree that I don’t need to ‘solve’ it intellectually—I’ve never felt like my philosophy holds me back from feeling fulfilled and I think the issue of low self-confidence is at least partly separate. I’m very glad to hear that you are in a better place now. :)
The role model concept is definitely something I’ve heard before and while it doesn’t really make self-care easy, I agree that it is useful—e.g. when I feel guilty about not working overtime, I remind myself that I would prefer + want to create a society that doesn’t incessantly overwork. Why would anyone want to join a community that doesn’t encourage individual flourishing?
Thank you again for your kind words and your offer! I think I’m good for now but will keep in mind. In the mean time, I hope to see you around the forum!
And totally agree about the Replacing Guilt series, it’s really good.