I strong upvoted this because it’s a great comment, with a lot of good info and perspective on grantmaking, but I would push back on the idea that there aren’t “credible allegations of sexual abuse against Michael”. Or, I wonder where you draw the line at defining “sexual abuse”? You yourself appear to admit he is troubling, and when in a relationship that can so easily just become sexual abuse, sexual gaslighting, sexually demeaning statements, etc. It’s not like “sexual behavior” is a protected category. It’s just another type of behavior. Sure it’s a very special type of behavior that is attached very strongly to the buttons for dopamine, power, self esteem, and pleasure, but that doesn’t make it special for an abusive personality type of person such that they would necessarily put a gate up in their minds around it… it makes it more likely they press that button. Especially once in relationship, it’s important to remember sexual misconduct is not rare, for some portion of people (and it sounds like vassar is highly likely to be one of these), who suck at relating to others (like suck so hard it becomes abuse), sexual conduct is just another way to relate, and that poor (abusively poor) sexual relating can be very common for such people.
Whether or not their relationship was even 2-way toxic, it doesn’t excuse sexual abuse so I am not sure I can think of a lot of context that makes up for it.
But anyway I agree with you that he shouldn’t be in community anyway. It;s weird that for so many people sexual abuse would be the breaking point they want absolutely confirmed or denied, when actually there are a lot worse things someone can do before that. I do kinda wonder if people near him should run an intervention though, that unless he seek help for anger issues and other personality issues (did you know there are meds to reduce angry outburts? plus of course other treatments you prob know about, CBT, DBT, etc) and make detialed apologies and accountings of his wrngdoings and accusations til that point, they will cut ties. Like, that would be the agentic option if friends with someone like that. I don’t get it. He is probably financially privileged so why can’t he use his money to try to fix his issues? Red flag he isn’t, or if he has he needs to do a public update to that effect, and what issues he is still struggling with (broken brain is real and maybe permanent but like it’s better to admit than people think you don’t care to try). Given his prominence in these discussions it is just insane that he has not done something like that. I would steer clear even personally tbh, but of course, I’m a woman so I expect he would scoff at me and mistreat me at any slip of mine which is not right.
I strong upvoted this because it’s a great comment, with a lot of good info and perspective on grantmaking, but I would push back on the idea that there aren’t “credible allegations of sexual abuse against Michael”. Or, I wonder where you draw the line at defining “sexual abuse”? You yourself appear to admit he is troubling, and when in a relationship that can so easily just become sexual abuse, sexual gaslighting, sexually demeaning statements, etc. It’s not like “sexual behavior” is a protected category. It’s just another type of behavior. Sure it’s a very special type of behavior that is attached very strongly to the buttons for dopamine, power, self esteem, and pleasure, but that doesn’t make it special for an abusive personality type of person such that they would necessarily put a gate up in their minds around it… it makes it more likely they press that button. Especially once in relationship, it’s important to remember sexual misconduct is not rare, for some portion of people (and it sounds like vassar is highly likely to be one of these), who suck at relating to others (like suck so hard it becomes abuse), sexual conduct is just another way to relate, and that poor (abusively poor) sexual relating can be very common for such people.
Whether or not their relationship was even 2-way toxic, it doesn’t excuse sexual abuse so I am not sure I can think of a lot of context that makes up for it.
But anyway I agree with you that he shouldn’t be in community anyway. It;s weird that for so many people sexual abuse would be the breaking point they want absolutely confirmed or denied, when actually there are a lot worse things someone can do before that. I do kinda wonder if people near him should run an intervention though, that unless he seek help for anger issues and other personality issues (did you know there are meds to reduce angry outburts? plus of course other treatments you prob know about, CBT, DBT, etc) and make detialed apologies and accountings of his wrngdoings and accusations til that point, they will cut ties. Like, that would be the agentic option if friends with someone like that. I don’t get it. He is probably financially privileged so why can’t he use his money to try to fix his issues? Red flag he isn’t, or if he has he needs to do a public update to that effect, and what issues he is still struggling with (broken brain is real and maybe permanent but like it’s better to admit than people think you don’t care to try). Given his prominence in these discussions it is just insane that he has not done something like that. I would steer clear even personally tbh, but of course, I’m a woman so I expect he would scoff at me and mistreat me at any slip of mine which is not right.