I don’t think it does seem reasonable. Putting myself in his shoes, I find it difficult to accept that I would ever make an apology for numerous acts of wrongdoing without knowing what I am meant to have done. I don’t understand why I would trust someone else’s judgement more than my own on matters such as this where I obviously know exactly what happened. As the commenter below notes, he acknowledges that some of his other behaviour on the misdemeanours he doesn’t have the details of was more problematic than some instances he does have information on. This is odd.
If I heard that a lot of people were feeling uncomfortable following interactions with me, I think it’s likely that I would apologize and back off before understanding why they felt that way, and perhaps without even understanding what behaviour was at issue.
I’d trust someone else’s judgement comparably with or more than my own, particularly when there were multiple other someones, because I’m aware of many cases where people were oblivious to the harm their own behaviour was causing (and indeed, I don’t always know how other people feel about the way I interact with them and put a lot of effort into giving them opportunities to tell me). Obviously I’d apply some common sense to accusations that e.g. I knew to be factually wrong.
In the abstract, which of these do you think happens more often?
Someone makes people uncomfortable without being aware that they are doing so. Other people inform them.
Someone doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable (above the base rate of awkward social interactions). People erroneously tell them that they are doing so.
Now, the second is probably somewhat more likely than I’ve made it sound, but the first just seems way more ordinary to me. So my outside view is that the most likely reason for people to tell you that you’re making others uncomfortable is that you are actually doing that. You’re entitled to play this off against what you know of the inside view, but I think it would be pretty weird to just dismiss it entirely.
I am not disputing the claim that numerous complaints over the course of my life about my behaviour would be strong evidence that I have behaved badly. I have been defending this throughout this whole thread. The outside view is strong evidence, of course. The question is whether I would know the details of these complaints if I were told of this outside view evidence. The answer for the vast majority of neurotypical people is ‘yes’. I would be able to recall specific cases in which I stepped over the line and I would know how I erred.
Just curious, why does it matter that you know how you erred in your hypothetical stepping over the line? Also, just because you would does not mean that other would or should know.
I don’t think it does seem reasonable. Putting myself in his shoes, I find it difficult to accept that I would ever make an apology for numerous acts of wrongdoing without knowing what I am meant to have done. I don’t understand why I would trust someone else’s judgement more than my own on matters such as this where I obviously know exactly what happened. As the commenter below notes, he acknowledges that some of his other behaviour on the misdemeanours he doesn’t have the details of was more problematic than some instances he does have information on. This is odd.
If I heard that a lot of people were feeling uncomfortable following interactions with me, I think it’s likely that I would apologize and back off before understanding why they felt that way, and perhaps without even understanding what behaviour was at issue.
I’d trust someone else’s judgement comparably with or more than my own, particularly when there were multiple other someones, because I’m aware of many cases where people were oblivious to the harm their own behaviour was causing (and indeed, I don’t always know how other people feel about the way I interact with them and put a lot of effort into giving them opportunities to tell me). Obviously I’d apply some common sense to accusations that e.g. I knew to be factually wrong.
In the abstract, which of these do you think happens more often?
Someone makes people uncomfortable without being aware that they are doing so. Other people inform them.
Someone doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable (above the base rate of awkward social interactions). People erroneously tell them that they are doing so.
Now, the second is probably somewhat more likely than I’ve made it sound, but the first just seems way more ordinary to me. So my outside view is that the most likely reason for people to tell you that you’re making others uncomfortable is that you are actually doing that. You’re entitled to play this off against what you know of the inside view, but I think it would be pretty weird to just dismiss it entirely.
I am not disputing the claim that numerous complaints over the course of my life about my behaviour would be strong evidence that I have behaved badly. I have been defending this throughout this whole thread. The outside view is strong evidence, of course. The question is whether I would know the details of these complaints if I were told of this outside view evidence. The answer for the vast majority of neurotypical people is ‘yes’. I would be able to recall specific cases in which I stepped over the line and I would know how I erred.
Just curious, why does it matter that you know how you erred in your hypothetical stepping over the line? Also, just because you would does not mean that other would or should know.