I was rejected from the first EA conference I applied to (I’ve mentioned this before), and some other jobs/opportunities (mostly non-EA ones). I think the most stressful rejection experience was actually for PhD programs — I ended up getting into a few and deferring one, and then not going because I’d decided I didn’t want to go into academia. (It’s possible that college applications were worse, but I have trouble remembering exactly what I was feeling at that point.)
Overall, I think I haven’t had that many stressful rejection experiences due to a combination of luck and not applying for enough opportunities. I think the latter is really costly. This post is on the right track: We learn long-lasting strategies to protect ourselves from danger and rejection, and I think this paper also suggests that a lot of people avoid applying to things because of psychological blockers (where my guess is that protection from rejection is an important factor). So for me, overcoming an ~anticipatory fear of rejection seems like it could help a lot.
I do also think that a few experiences helped me. Some examples:
In some sub-communities in the US, getting into the “right” college is seen as the main goal for a high school student. I worked for a few summers at a summer math program where we had >100 campers from exactly these circles — many of them were really stressed about this. So staff would have many conversations on this topic. (I also know people who work in colleges and sit on e.g. grad school admissions committees, so I had a sense for the process and its ~mundanity.) Some useful considerations:
College admissions have a lot of randomness
Colleges (and most opportunities) are trying to filter for something that is not the measure you probably want to use to judge yourself (and judging yourself is generally often counterproductive)
Some application processes are in fact less random, but they’re still looking for something specific that isn’t a holistic judgement
Being on the other side of admissions processes and having a very strong feeling that (1) I’m not sure who I should pass, in some cases, and (2) that I’d absolutely love to work with/do something with some of the people I wasn’t not passing. (Or talking to people who experience similar things.) Again, The Application is not the Applicant.
Having tried to get out of a scarcity mindset for dating, and extrapolating that to some extent for jobs.
Seeing friends who were wonderful and great get rejected from various things, and knowing that this doesn’t diminish them in my eyes
I was rejected from the first EA conference I applied to (I’ve mentioned this before), and some other jobs/opportunities (mostly non-EA ones). I think the most stressful rejection experience was actually for PhD programs — I ended up getting into a few and deferring one, and then not going because I’d decided I didn’t want to go into academia. (It’s possible that college applications were worse, but I have trouble remembering exactly what I was feeling at that point.)
Overall, I think I haven’t had that many stressful rejection experiences due to a combination of luck and not applying for enough opportunities. I think the latter is really costly. This post is on the right track: We learn long-lasting strategies to protect ourselves from danger and rejection, and I think this paper also suggests that a lot of people avoid applying to things because of psychological blockers (where my guess is that protection from rejection is an important factor). So for me, overcoming an ~anticipatory fear of rejection seems like it could help a lot.
I do also think that a few experiences helped me. Some examples:
In some sub-communities in the US, getting into the “right” college is seen as the main goal for a high school student. I worked for a few summers at a summer math program where we had >100 campers from exactly these circles — many of them were really stressed about this. So staff would have many conversations on this topic. (I also know people who work in colleges and sit on e.g. grad school admissions committees, so I had a sense for the process and its ~mundanity.) Some useful considerations:
College admissions have a lot of randomness
Colleges (and most opportunities) are trying to filter for something that is not the measure you probably want to use to judge yourself (and judging yourself is generally often counterproductive)
Related: The Application is not the Applicant
Some application processes are in fact less random, but they’re still looking for something specific that isn’t a holistic judgement
Being on the other side of admissions processes and having a very strong feeling that (1) I’m not sure who I should pass, in some cases, and (2) that I’d absolutely love to work with/do something with some of the people I wasn’t not passing. (Or talking to people who experience similar things.) Again, The Application is not the Applicant.
Having tried to get out of a scarcity mindset for dating, and extrapolating that to some extent for jobs.
Seeing friends who were wonderful and great get rejected from various things, and knowing that this doesn’t diminish them in my eyes
Reading Keeping Absolutes in Mind
Having supportive friends and family and knowing that they won’t reject me if I’m rejected from jobs or graduate schools, having a safety net