Yes! yesyesyes. Hey. Wow. Thank you! This is the first time that a forum article has spoken to me as a whole, not just the optimiser part of my brain (which by now is so interwoven with my inner critic that, well, meh).
It felt eerie to see so much of my own journey here: from spritely, quirky, happy person, to eager optimiser, to dimmed and depressed. When I read your post, I am aching for the Ronja that should have read this years ago, and a sort of raging against this community that no one could see that this was a descent fed by their very own behaviours (“You’re thinking of studying anthropology, purely out of interest? But… why?!”, “See, self-care is important because it helps you be productive afterward.” “Oh, no, but you’re a great person! Look at all the impact you’re having!”).
When I finally realised the unhealthiness of my environment, my solution was to distance myself from the community, to stop trying for impact, and slowly building up from there. But I could only accept to stop trying once it was very clear that lying in bed feeling bad about myself was literally not conducive to any part of me. Alongside that grief and rage and regret, I also breathe a sigh of relief—I am not alone, it seems. There is nothing wrong with me, maybe I even was onto something in my journey, even though I never articulated it as you just did. Maybe these were not just things I learnt about myself, but pointers to something more deeply human. And maybe it’s not the case that this is a community just for optimisers who single-mindedly pursue impact by working and networking and very calculatedly recharging.
For myself, I have already concluded that, if I am ever going to do anything with a whiff of greatness, it will come from the Ronja that is shiny-eyed, boundlessly excited, radiating love for the world—and not from the haunted-looking tortured soul that keeps telling herself “yeah, but I should”. The open question, for me, is whether I can be this person in this community, or even find pockets of community that understand my altruistic goals and still see and cherish and support the whole person that I am. For now, my policy of cutting ties (with the community as a whole, not with individual friends that also happen to be into EA), focusing on finding communities that nurture a variety of spiritual needs (like for you, music is a big one here) and deepening ties with people who love me just as me has been a good starting point. I am now, very cautiously, re-engaging from here; even though I run in panic from EA events as often as not, or feel hollowed-out and drained afterwards. And that sucks because it now feels like there are some impact-focused things that I really want to do, that are now harder than they would ever have been had I not been burnt so badly before. I am glad that I re-engaged to the extent of finding this post here!
I am very excited about the idea of finding people like you, people who’ve been through this journey, or just people who feel similarly about pursuit of impact as one important goal, but who are also in touch with other ends in themselves, and are able to listen to their soul’s needs.
As for the practical trade-offs: I think they are relevant, and I wish to think about them more. But I think I’m still learning to lean into the non-consequentialist parts of me, and figuring out what I cherish and, as you phrase it, what spiritual nutrients I require (although that does make me prone to go down the “spiritual Soylent” route. So more like: I need to figure out how to nourish my soul).
So I think I’ll have to come back to that one later!
But, again, thank you. I don’t know you, but I feel very moved by your post and grateful to you for writing and sharing it.
Yet another weary traveler has come to this post down the line and felt many of the same resonances. I’d love to talk to you as well, calendly in my bio if you are so inclined :)
Yes! yesyesyes. Hey. Wow. Thank you! This is the first time that a forum article has spoken to me as a whole, not just the optimiser part of my brain (which by now is so interwoven with my inner critic that, well, meh).
It felt eerie to see so much of my own journey here: from spritely, quirky, happy person, to eager optimiser, to dimmed and depressed. When I read your post, I am aching for the Ronja that should have read this years ago, and a sort of raging against this community that no one could see that this was a descent fed by their very own behaviours (“You’re thinking of studying anthropology, purely out of interest? But… why?!”, “See, self-care is important because it helps you be productive afterward.” “Oh, no, but you’re a great person! Look at all the impact you’re having!”).
When I finally realised the unhealthiness of my environment, my solution was to distance myself from the community, to stop trying for impact, and slowly building up from there. But I could only accept to stop trying once it was very clear that lying in bed feeling bad about myself was literally not conducive to any part of me. Alongside that grief and rage and regret, I also breathe a sigh of relief—I am not alone, it seems. There is nothing wrong with me, maybe I even was onto something in my journey, even though I never articulated it as you just did. Maybe these were not just things I learnt about myself, but pointers to something more deeply human. And maybe it’s not the case that this is a community just for optimisers who single-mindedly pursue impact by working and networking and very calculatedly recharging.
For myself, I have already concluded that, if I am ever going to do anything with a whiff of greatness, it will come from the Ronja that is shiny-eyed, boundlessly excited, radiating love for the world—and not from the haunted-looking tortured soul that keeps telling herself “yeah, but I should”. The open question, for me, is whether I can be this person in this community, or even find pockets of community that understand my altruistic goals and still see and cherish and support the whole person that I am. For now, my policy of cutting ties (with the community as a whole, not with individual friends that also happen to be into EA), focusing on finding communities that nurture a variety of spiritual needs (like for you, music is a big one here) and deepening ties with people who love me just as me has been a good starting point. I am now, very cautiously, re-engaging from here; even though I run in panic from EA events as often as not, or feel hollowed-out and drained afterwards. And that sucks because it now feels like there are some impact-focused things that I really want to do, that are now harder than they would ever have been had I not been burnt so badly before. I am glad that I re-engaged to the extent of finding this post here!
I am very excited about the idea of finding people like you, people who’ve been through this journey, or just people who feel similarly about pursuit of impact as one important goal, but who are also in touch with other ends in themselves, and are able to listen to their soul’s needs.
As for the practical trade-offs: I think they are relevant, and I wish to think about them more. But I think I’m still learning to lean into the non-consequentialist parts of me, and figuring out what I cherish and, as you phrase it, what spiritual nutrients I require (although that does make me prone to go down the “spiritual Soylent” route. So more like: I need to figure out how to nourish my soul).
So I think I’ll have to come back to that one later!
But, again, thank you. I don’t know you, but I feel very moved by your post and grateful to you for writing and sharing it.
Yet another weary traveler has come to this post down the line and felt many of the same resonances. I’d love to talk to you as well, calendly in my bio if you are so inclined :)