I think people perceive differences in their treatment more than they perceive the absolute harshness or kindness of their treatment. If everyone receives harsh criticism from their teacher or boss, in my experience this results in little resentment, and it makes the praise that much better. When I did ballet, the criticism was almost comically harsh. The teacher would say our dancing was “ugly” or “stupid” and that she “hated” it. Sometimes she would just laugh at us. Praise was very rare and very mild (“not half-bad”). But it was the same for everyone, so almost all of us just reacted with amusement at the harshness, and I think we did become much better dancers as a result. Contrast that with the way girls treated one another: some were popular, some were the target of cruel remarks, and in general it was very unequal. This led to a lot of unhappiness, of course.
I’m not saying that over-the-top cruelty is the best way to deliver criticism, but I think people perceive who’s popular and who’s not, even if the criticism is implicit. (Keep in mind that “implicit” sometimes just means passive-aggressive, which can be even more destructive.)
Also keep in mind that people perceive differences in praise. Sometimes the EA community feels a bit clique-ish. For example, it feels kind of hurtful when someone will post statuses naming their favorite people in the EA community.
So the lesson is: don’t be driven by grudges or favoritism. (I know this is one thing I need to be better about myself.)
For example, it feels kind of hurtful when someone will post statuses naming their favorite people in the EA community.
Yikes, that does sound obnoxious! It would be good if we could cultivate a complimentary atmosphere without causing these effects...
Are there types of praise that are more or less likely to trigger this reaction? Thinking about this, my intuition suggests that it’s much more of a problem when you praise people and less of a problem when you praise specific actions. Does that seem right?
(As a side bonus, praising specific actions instead of people generally also helps with growth mindset.)
I think people perceive differences in their treatment more than they perceive the absolute harshness or kindness of their treatment. If everyone receives harsh criticism from their teacher or boss, in my experience this results in little resentment, and it makes the praise that much better. When I did ballet, the criticism was almost comically harsh. The teacher would say our dancing was “ugly” or “stupid” and that she “hated” it. Sometimes she would just laugh at us. Praise was very rare and very mild (“not half-bad”). But it was the same for everyone, so almost all of us just reacted with amusement at the harshness, and I think we did become much better dancers as a result. Contrast that with the way girls treated one another: some were popular, some were the target of cruel remarks, and in general it was very unequal. This led to a lot of unhappiness, of course.
I’m not saying that over-the-top cruelty is the best way to deliver criticism, but I think people perceive who’s popular and who’s not, even if the criticism is implicit. (Keep in mind that “implicit” sometimes just means passive-aggressive, which can be even more destructive.)
Also keep in mind that people perceive differences in praise. Sometimes the EA community feels a bit clique-ish. For example, it feels kind of hurtful when someone will post statuses naming their favorite people in the EA community.
So the lesson is: don’t be driven by grudges or favoritism. (I know this is one thing I need to be better about myself.)
Yikes, that does sound obnoxious! It would be good if we could cultivate a complimentary atmosphere without causing these effects...
Are there types of praise that are more or less likely to trigger this reaction? Thinking about this, my intuition suggests that it’s much more of a problem when you praise people and less of a problem when you praise specific actions. Does that seem right?
(As a side bonus, praising specific actions instead of people generally also helps with growth mindset.)