Navigating the global health funding landscape can be confusing even for global health veterans; there are scores of donors and multilateral funding mechanisms, each with its own particular structure, personality, and philosophy. For the uninitiated, PEPFAR, GAVI, PMI, WHO, the Global Fund, UNITAID, and the Gates Foundation can all appear obscure and intimidating. But if your head is spinning from acronym-induced vertigo, fear not! We are here to help you make sense of it all. How, you ask? With a clear method for donor identification: comparing the donors to your parents. So what would happen if the donors were your parents and you asked them for a new car?
PEPFAR: Ok, we’ll buy you a new car, but we’re going with you to the dealership and it must be American-made. At least one seat must be devoted to abstinence and the delay of sexual debut. Before you drive the car, you must promise not to support prostitution. Each quarter, you must report how many miles you’ve driven with how many passengers, with a target of 1000 passenger-miles per month.
President’s Malaria Initiative: We’ve made it very clear that we only support four proven, cost-effective interventions for child rearing: food, clothing, health care, and education. What, do you think money in the Malaria family just grows on trees? Just because HIV/AIDS has a shiny new car doesn’t mean we can afford it.
UNITAID: We’ve identified pediatric vehicles as a niche market which is currently underserved by the major transport providers. By buying cars for you and all our other children, we are helping to create a pediatric automotive market with new and superior transportation commodities. Prior to our innovative entry into the pediatric vehicle market, most of our potential beneficiaries were getting around using lower-quality forms of transportation, such as bicycles, buses, and walking.
GAVI: We will purchase and a deliver a car for you from a particular GAVI-approved dealership. However, you must co-finance the purchase with wages from your part-time job. Gas and insurance will require separate applications.
WHO: Sorry, we haven’t had a car budget in ten years. But we DO have a new set of guidelines on best practices for safe car driving, and a box full of old carfax vehicle reports that you’re welcome to look at any time. Please let us know right away if you experience any engine trouble; regular and reliable reporting allows us to maintain an up-to-date transmission failure surveillance system. And don’t forget to celebrate Vehicle Safety Day on May 11!
Gates Foundation: Of course, darling, we gave your boarding school plenty of money to buy a car. And since we’re on the Board, we’ll make sure they buy the right car. And you can drive it any time you want…as long as one of us is in the passenger seat to make sure you’re going the right way.
Global Fund: We’ve reviewed your proposal for a Range Rover and according to Consumer Reports it is a technically capable car for city driving. Here is a $70,000 check for you to go and buy the Range Rover, as discussed in your proposal.
Pretty funny CGD blog post by Victoria Fan and Rachel Bonnifield: If the Global Health Donors Were Your Parents: A (Whimsical) Comparative Perspective. Quoting at length (with some reformatting):