Since writing this, I’ve done a bunch more debating and thinking about how to handle romantic attraction in communities I’m actively involved in responsibly. So, here’s the rule I want to commit to from now on:
In any community I’m involved in, I won’t be the one driving romantic escalation (or hinting at it) with anyone lower in the institutional hierarchy than me. This applies within 1 month after low-intensity interactions like a 90min workshop and 3 months after high-intensity interactions like a retreat where I was in a lead facilitator role.
Some specifications:
1. Both formal and informal hierarchies count. For example, attendees of workshops I facilitate pro bono or during unconferences still count as “lower in the hierarchy”.
2. Responding to advances people lower in hierarchies make towards me is fine. (Unless other reasons make that seem unethical.)
3. Escalation can only happen if and only if the other person signals at least an obvious 6 on the Decide10 scale. I.e., a lack of proactiveness counts as a “no”.
4. Galaxy brain slytherining a la “I’ll just make friends for now and set things up so that they are more likely to propose to me later on.” or “You knoooow, I committed to a certain rule because I’m SUCH an ethical person, so if you were to have interest in me, you’d have to be the one to make the first step *wink wink*” is prohibited.
5. I might adjust this rule over time as evidence accumulates, but only *after* consulting with people I trust in these matters.
6. I think a version of this might help us handle EA’s gender imbalance better: It might be good if if heterosexual men in general would just accept/decline advances from women, and not proactively flirt themselves.
Since writing this, I’ve done a bunch more debating and thinking about how to handle romantic attraction in communities I’m actively involved in responsibly. So, here’s the rule I want to commit to from now on:
Some specifications:
1. Both formal and informal hierarchies count. For example, attendees of workshops I facilitate pro bono or during unconferences still count as “lower in the hierarchy”.
2. Responding to advances people lower in hierarchies make towards me is fine. (Unless other reasons make that seem unethical.)
3. Escalation can only happen if and only if the other person signals at least an obvious 6 on the Decide10 scale. I.e., a lack of proactiveness counts as a “no”.
4. Galaxy brain slytherining a la “I’ll just make friends for now and set things up so that they are more likely to propose to me later on.” or “You knoooow, I committed to a certain rule because I’m SUCH an ethical person, so if you were to have interest in me, you’d have to be the one to make the first step *wink wink*” is prohibited.
5. I might adjust this rule over time as evidence accumulates, but only *after* consulting with people I trust in these matters.
6. I think a version of this might help us handle EA’s gender imbalance better: It might be good if if heterosexual men in general would just accept/decline advances from women, and not proactively flirt themselves.