Thanks for the write-up, Michelle! You write about your “hope that other like-minded parents will share their lessons and suggestions”, so I decided to contribute a few thoughts.
I’m currently working as a software engineer for the Against Malaria Foundation (50%) and caring for our one-year old (50%). My wife also has a 50%-job.
Work time: Compared to what Michelle and Abby wrote, I have reduced my work time more strongly after becoming a parent. It felt important to me to experience my child growing up and to personally care for it. I can have 30 more productive years in my career, but seeing the first steps of one’s child is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I’m thankful that AMF made part-time work possible. It took some negotiation and insistence to make it happen. My life feels a lot more sustainable now than if I were to work full-time. I’d strongly recommend that everyone in a similar situation thinks carefully about their priorities and adjusts life/work accordingly.
Money: So far, our child has not increased our budget much, to my great surprise. We got tons of gifts and secondhand stuff (stroller, reusable diapers, 95% of her clothes), so there was little we had to buy. We don’t have to pay for childcare yet. Also, German’s social security is excellent, and partially compensates for the reduced salary during the first ~14 months of the child’s life.
Interestingly, having a child did so far not make us want to buy a house or care more about financial security (cf Geoffrey’s comment). This might come later… but so far the financial impact of having a child is far smaller than I expected.
Pregnancy can be tough: Absolutely. Also the time after birth, depending on how it goes. One year after giving birth, my wife still takes physiotherapy and has to refrain from some sports. Another tough point was that we had to stop breastfeeding after seven weeks due to complications… So although pregnancy and birth generally went well, the effects on the mother were hard. This topic isn’t talked much about, and I think both me and my wife underestimated the difficulties.
It’s OK to do things differently: More strongly, I think you have to do things differently, by necessity. Each family is unique. There’s a ton of contradicting advice. Fortunately, being a parent comes surprisingly naturally, and our species has done it successfully for thousands of years. My experience is that many of the “must-haves” and “must-dos” weren’t all that important.[1]
We benefited a lot from having trustworthy people close by. The midwives who supported us were fantastic, their visits throughout the first weeks of the baby’s life invaluable. This type of practical support and direct advice was much more important than the more indirect books, videos, etc.
Social aspects: I’ve been surprised by how much babies are a catalyst for interacting with other people. Everyone is attracted by them; starting conversations around babies is really easy. Being a young parent brings you in touch with other people at a similar stage in life; we formed several new local friendships thanks to our child.
Note: one absolutely must take parenting seriously, and I don’t advise anyone to be careless. I wrote this paragraph because the advice I received, overall, made too strong claims, made parenting sound more difficult than it is, and made children seem more fragile than they are.
I’m ecstatic that AMF was able to arrange for you to work part time!! I’ve also been surprised by what good luck I’ve had with being able to get very flexible part time internships during my maternity leave and being able to go part time until my baby turned one at my day job. My advice for others on this is that if you’ve already cultivated a previous relationship with the people you work for or want to work for, it doesn’t hurt to ask for a non traditional work arrangement. And then more generally, I think that people who want to have impact and also want to have kids can sometimes find creative solutions to have both.
Regarding parental worries about financial security—I agree that this is heavily dependent on where one lives. In countries with stronger social safety nets, parental leave, affordable housing, and socialized medicine (like Germany and the UK, to some degree), parents need not stress as much. In the US, parents worry a LOT about loss of jobs, which means loss of affordable health insurance; many jobs are less flexible in terms of hours, sick leave, and vacation time; and some cities are absurdly unaffordable for parents who need at least a 3 or 4-bedroom place. Another huge factor is whether public schools are good enough and safe enough for one’s kids to actually go there—or whether one needs to spend the extra for private schools.
On the other hand, I agree with your point about kids not costing quite as much at a day-to-day level as one might think. In many cities there are thriving second-hand markets for kids’ clothing, toys, equipment, strollers, etc—we’ve bought almost nothing new. It’s easy for parents to get caught up in brand-conscious runaway consumerism—but hopefully EAs have the wit and perspective to avoid such nonsense! :)
Thanks for the write-up, Michelle! You write about your “hope that other like-minded parents will share their lessons and suggestions”, so I decided to contribute a few thoughts.
I’m currently working as a software engineer for the Against Malaria Foundation (50%) and caring for our one-year old (50%). My wife also has a 50%-job.
Work time: Compared to what Michelle and Abby wrote, I have reduced my work time more strongly after becoming a parent. It felt important to me to experience my child growing up and to personally care for it. I can have 30 more productive years in my career, but seeing the first steps of one’s child is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I’m thankful that AMF made part-time work possible. It took some negotiation and insistence to make it happen. My life feels a lot more sustainable now than if I were to work full-time. I’d strongly recommend that everyone in a similar situation thinks carefully about their priorities and adjusts life/work accordingly.
Money: So far, our child has not increased our budget much, to my great surprise. We got tons of gifts and secondhand stuff (stroller, reusable diapers, 95% of her clothes), so there was little we had to buy. We don’t have to pay for childcare yet. Also, German’s social security is excellent, and partially compensates for the reduced salary during the first ~14 months of the child’s life.
Interestingly, having a child did so far not make us want to buy a house or care more about financial security (cf Geoffrey’s comment). This might come later… but so far the financial impact of having a child is far smaller than I expected.
Pregnancy can be tough: Absolutely. Also the time after birth, depending on how it goes. One year after giving birth, my wife still takes physiotherapy and has to refrain from some sports. Another tough point was that we had to stop breastfeeding after seven weeks due to complications… So although pregnancy and birth generally went well, the effects on the mother were hard. This topic isn’t talked much about, and I think both me and my wife underestimated the difficulties.
It’s OK to do things differently: More strongly, I think you have to do things differently, by necessity. Each family is unique. There’s a ton of contradicting advice. Fortunately, being a parent comes surprisingly naturally, and our species has done it successfully for thousands of years. My experience is that many of the “must-haves” and “must-dos” weren’t all that important.[1]
We benefited a lot from having trustworthy people close by. The midwives who supported us were fantastic, their visits throughout the first weeks of the baby’s life invaluable. This type of practical support and direct advice was much more important than the more indirect books, videos, etc.
Social aspects: I’ve been surprised by how much babies are a catalyst for interacting with other people. Everyone is attracted by them; starting conversations around babies is really easy. Being a young parent brings you in touch with other people at a similar stage in life; we formed several new local friendships thanks to our child.
Note: one absolutely must take parenting seriously, and I don’t advise anyone to be careless. I wrote this paragraph because the advice I received, overall, made too strong claims, made parenting sound more difficult than it is, and made children seem more fragile than they are.
I’m ecstatic that AMF was able to arrange for you to work part time!! I’ve also been surprised by what good luck I’ve had with being able to get very flexible part time internships during my maternity leave and being able to go part time until my baby turned one at my day job. My advice for others on this is that if you’ve already cultivated a previous relationship with the people you work for or want to work for, it doesn’t hurt to ask for a non traditional work arrangement. And then more generally, I think that people who want to have impact and also want to have kids can sometimes find creative solutions to have both.
Sjlver—thanks very much for these comments.
Regarding parental worries about financial security—I agree that this is heavily dependent on where one lives. In countries with stronger social safety nets, parental leave, affordable housing, and socialized medicine (like Germany and the UK, to some degree), parents need not stress as much. In the US, parents worry a LOT about loss of jobs, which means loss of affordable health insurance; many jobs are less flexible in terms of hours, sick leave, and vacation time; and some cities are absurdly unaffordable for parents who need at least a 3 or 4-bedroom place. Another huge factor is whether public schools are good enough and safe enough for one’s kids to actually go there—or whether one needs to spend the extra for private schools.
On the other hand, I agree with your point about kids not costing quite as much at a day-to-day level as one might think. In many cities there are thriving second-hand markets for kids’ clothing, toys, equipment, strollers, etc—we’ve bought almost nothing new. It’s easy for parents to get caught up in brand-conscious runaway consumerism—but hopefully EAs have the wit and perspective to avoid such nonsense! :)