I think I agree with everything you have written. I also personally feel like my husband and I are having impactful careers despite having a toddler + 1 on the way, and I don’t think we would be massively more impactful if we were childfree.
This is due to a combination of factors:
1. Childcare time has replaced friend socialization time, basically completely. So we still have time to do a “normal” amount of work, we have just reprioritized our non-working hours.
2. My difficult pregnancy has been happily accommodated in every way by my employer, and I have paid parental leave when the baby comes soon, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I know British/European moms expect this, but as an American, it really is wonderful to have this level of support from my employer. So I think working for the right org is pretty critical for being able to have an impactful career while having kids.
3. My husband founded his own startup, so he sets his own schedule. This also allows him to be flexible with his hours and be hyperfocused on working on high impact projects, instead of wasting the working hours he has available on stuff that’s less important.
4. My husband is also an excellent partner, who has been averaging more than 50% of the childcare (especially when I’m too pregnant to function). This is a critical factor in me being able to get work done, despite having a high energy toddler.
5. We have access to 8am-6pm daycare, which covers the normal working day. Unfortunately childcare is insanely expensive in the US. We pay over $2k per month in a high cost of living area for one child in daycare. We’re lucky to be able to afford it, but figuring out how you’re going to manage childcare should also be considered if you want to have kids + impact. Getting free childcare from grandparents is definitely the dream here. We do have some grandparent help, which allows us to do things like go to EAGs for a weekend, but basically nobody besides grandparents or people you pay seems to be interested in helping take care of children in modern Western society. (Kinda sad imo.)
6. Making new humans and trying really hard to give them happy lives seems like having a positive impact to me. I work on some longtermist causes, where it’s extremely uncertain what our work now will produce later. But literally creating a new life and taking care of it feels like it has a pretty certain positive expected value :) Or at least more than what I would be doing with my spare time otherwise!
basically nobody besides grandparents or people you pay seems to be interested in helping take care of children in modern Western society.
I feel like this is more true in the Bay area than in other places. Not sure why. Anyways, if you are in San Francisco and looking to make parent friends where you can have play dates at each other’s houses and potentially drop off your kids at each other’s houses if there’s some kind of child care gap, we should be friends. I live in the Mission district and have a 3.5 and 1.5-year-old and want to build this kind of friend/support network locally.
I second this, but even people you pay for childcare aren’t that easily found (at least where we’re living—Germany).
The same with this type of network/friend circle—I absolutely love the idea, but my experience is, that it’s hard to build this up and it takes time. Every family is struggling, and have different rhythms (e.g. my kid’s nap time is 12-2pm we can meet afterward—oh but my kid is sleeping from 1.30-3pm and then it’s almost getting too late before it gets dark/dinner time/whatsoever...), you plan a play-date, and then one kid gets sick—just some examples from real life ;-)
I don’t want to sound too pessimistic. That’s just been our experience and I wish I’d had more realistic expectations on things like that.
Yes, I do think that most parents in the bay area are too nervous about taking care of other people’s kids (maybe it gets better when the kids are 6+ years old and people are more willing to e.g. drop them off at birthday parties where the parents leave). It also requires a certain type of personality to be okay with whatever parenting style your friends or loved ones have when they are taking care of your kids for free, and be OK with their diet, nap schedule, etc slipping while you’re gone.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Michelle!
I think I agree with everything you have written. I also personally feel like my husband and I are having impactful careers despite having a toddler + 1 on the way, and I don’t think we would be massively more impactful if we were childfree.
This is due to a combination of factors:
1. Childcare time has replaced friend socialization time, basically completely. So we still have time to do a “normal” amount of work, we have just reprioritized our non-working hours.
2. My difficult pregnancy has been happily accommodated in every way by my employer, and I have paid parental leave when the baby comes soon, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I know British/European moms expect this, but as an American, it really is wonderful to have this level of support from my employer. So I think working for the right org is pretty critical for being able to have an impactful career while having kids.
3. My husband founded his own startup, so he sets his own schedule. This also allows him to be flexible with his hours and be hyperfocused on working on high impact projects, instead of wasting the working hours he has available on stuff that’s less important.
4. My husband is also an excellent partner, who has been averaging more than 50% of the childcare (especially when I’m too pregnant to function). This is a critical factor in me being able to get work done, despite having a high energy toddler.
5. We have access to 8am-6pm daycare, which covers the normal working day. Unfortunately childcare is insanely expensive in the US. We pay over $2k per month in a high cost of living area for one child in daycare. We’re lucky to be able to afford it, but figuring out how you’re going to manage childcare should also be considered if you want to have kids + impact. Getting free childcare from grandparents is definitely the dream here. We do have some grandparent help, which allows us to do things like go to EAGs for a weekend, but basically nobody besides grandparents or people you pay seems to be interested in helping take care of children in modern Western society. (Kinda sad imo.)
6. Making new humans and trying really hard to give them happy lives seems like having a positive impact to me. I work on some longtermist causes, where it’s extremely uncertain what our work now will produce later. But literally creating a new life and taking care of it feels like it has a pretty certain positive expected value :) Or at least more than what I would be doing with my spare time otherwise!
I feel like this is more true in the Bay area than in other places. Not sure why. Anyways, if you are in San Francisco and looking to make parent friends where you can have play dates at each other’s houses and potentially drop off your kids at each other’s houses if there’s some kind of child care gap, we should be friends. I live in the Mission district and have a 3.5 and 1.5-year-old and want to build this kind of friend/support network locally.
And if you’re in Boston (Somerville area) and are interested in something similar let me know! (1.5y, 6y, 8y).
I second this, but even people you pay for childcare aren’t that easily found (at least where we’re living—Germany).
The same with this type of network/friend circle—I absolutely love the idea, but my experience is, that it’s hard to build this up and it takes time. Every family is struggling, and have different rhythms (e.g. my kid’s nap time is 12-2pm we can meet afterward—oh but my kid is sleeping from 1.30-3pm and then it’s almost getting too late before it gets dark/dinner time/whatsoever...), you plan a play-date, and then one kid gets sick—just some examples from real life ;-)
I don’t want to sound too pessimistic. That’s just been our experience and I wish I’d had more realistic expectations on things like that.
Yes, I do think that most parents in the bay area are too nervous about taking care of other people’s kids (maybe it gets better when the kids are 6+ years old and people are more willing to e.g. drop them off at birthday parties where the parents leave). It also requires a certain type of personality to be okay with whatever parenting style your friends or loved ones have when they are taking care of your kids for free, and be OK with their diet, nap schedule, etc slipping while you’re gone.