The time for parenting, in my experience, comes mostly from spending less time watching less TV, playing computer games, and reading; doing less traveling and socializing with friends; and working in a different way—cutting out wasted time on low-priority things, learning to say no to irrelevant distractions, and learning how to collaborate, outsource, and delegate more efficiently. It’s very important to have a partner/spouse/co-parent who’s smart, efficient, and pragmatic at organizing life, and figuring out good, sustainable, divisions of labor.
My older daughter (age 26) was fully grown when I had my younger daughter (age 6 months), so I haven’t had the experience of raising two young kids at the same time. However, I was raising older daughter at the same time as I was helping to care for my teenage step-son, and task-switching between them could be challenging (i.e. not treating a toddler as if they’re a teen, or vice-versa).
Regarding sleep: it’s absolutely crucial to sleep-train a baby starting around 3-4 months old, using behaviorist learning principles that can be emotionally challenging to implement at first (e.g. ignoring baby crying for certain lengths of time), but that are hugely beneficial in the long run (e.g. having to wake up with them only twice a night, rather than six times a night.) Once a kid is about 2-3 years old, they’ll typically sleep through the night. And remember, young kids sleep MUCH more than adults—our baby typically goes to sleep around 6:30 pm and wakes around 6:30 am—plus has four 40-minute naps during the day. So there’s quite a bit of time when they’re just sleeping in their crib.
Regarding the dangers of working less: I was very worried about this as a post-doc (age 30) having a kid, and being concerned about getting an academic job and tenure. However, I found that having a baby was enormously motivating. The book I’d been procrastinating about writing for 3 years suddenly got written within a fairly short period, because I really needed the advance money to buy a bigger house for the family. My career strategizing, which had been rather self-indulgent and haphazard, got laser-focused on getting a good stable tenure-track job with decent pay and good colleagues—and it worked. All because being a parent forces one to get very realistic about money, time, job stability, and career goals, very quickly.
Regarding job and fulfillment: every parent I know says there’s a qualitatively new kind of fulfillment that comes from having kids. When my first daughter was born, I immediately thought, ‘Why did I waste so much of my life before this, in things that now seem meaningless?’ This might be a trick that evolution plays on our brains, but it works! Also, competent and effective parents can still find plenty of time to socialize, enjoy Game of Thrones, read, relax, etc. It’s not nearly as easy to travel or go to Burning Man, but it’s possible, especially with older kids.
Good questions. In reply:
The time for parenting, in my experience, comes mostly from spending less time watching less TV, playing computer games, and reading; doing less traveling and socializing with friends; and working in a different way—cutting out wasted time on low-priority things, learning to say no to irrelevant distractions, and learning how to collaborate, outsource, and delegate more efficiently. It’s very important to have a partner/spouse/co-parent who’s smart, efficient, and pragmatic at organizing life, and figuring out good, sustainable, divisions of labor.
My older daughter (age 26) was fully grown when I had my younger daughter (age 6 months), so I haven’t had the experience of raising two young kids at the same time. However, I was raising older daughter at the same time as I was helping to care for my teenage step-son, and task-switching between them could be challenging (i.e. not treating a toddler as if they’re a teen, or vice-versa).
Regarding sleep: it’s absolutely crucial to sleep-train a baby starting around 3-4 months old, using behaviorist learning principles that can be emotionally challenging to implement at first (e.g. ignoring baby crying for certain lengths of time), but that are hugely beneficial in the long run (e.g. having to wake up with them only twice a night, rather than six times a night.) Once a kid is about 2-3 years old, they’ll typically sleep through the night. And remember, young kids sleep MUCH more than adults—our baby typically goes to sleep around 6:30 pm and wakes around 6:30 am—plus has four 40-minute naps during the day. So there’s quite a bit of time when they’re just sleeping in their crib.
Regarding the dangers of working less: I was very worried about this as a post-doc (age 30) having a kid, and being concerned about getting an academic job and tenure. However, I found that having a baby was enormously motivating. The book I’d been procrastinating about writing for 3 years suddenly got written within a fairly short period, because I really needed the advance money to buy a bigger house for the family. My career strategizing, which had been rather self-indulgent and haphazard, got laser-focused on getting a good stable tenure-track job with decent pay and good colleagues—and it worked. All because being a parent forces one to get very realistic about money, time, job stability, and career goals, very quickly.
Regarding job and fulfillment: every parent I know says there’s a qualitatively new kind of fulfillment that comes from having kids. When my first daughter was born, I immediately thought, ‘Why did I waste so much of my life before this, in things that now seem meaningless?’ This might be a trick that evolution plays on our brains, but it works! Also, competent and effective parents can still find plenty of time to socialize, enjoy Game of Thrones, read, relax, etc. It’s not nearly as easy to travel or go to Burning Man, but it’s possible, especially with older kids.