I was newly open to polyamory, and newly exposed to circling and saw something powerful and good about speaking truths even when they were uncomfortable.
From what you describe, it sounds to me like you didn’t really express truths when they were uncomfortable.
The truth was that you felt shame. It’s easier to be edgy and say “I have to masturbate before I see you” than to say “I feel ashamed of the attraction I have for you. I think I should masturbate so that I don’t get aroused by your presence before seeing you.”. Saying “I feel ashamed of the attraction I have for you” would be showing vulnerability. Probably, it would have made sense to share that feeling of shame about your attraction to her even earlier as at this point in time even the full version would have been too much.
The problem is that you neither followed the societal standards nor the standards of being radically honest about your experience.
(Speaking in a private capacity) Fwiw, I suspect that >90% of the worlds in which I found the masturbation comment uncomfortable, I would have found your suggested comment uncomfortable.
I don’t know what the vibe of the situation was here, but speaking to the more general case: in my experience, one thing about vulnerability is that if someone comes off as needy (which can be easy to do by accident), it can amplify other discomforts, because then I’m being put in a position of power or control over this person’s shame or other bad feelings, so then I feel like it’s on me to fix their bad feelings.
From what you describe, it sounds to me like you didn’t really express truths when they were uncomfortable.
The truth was that you felt shame. It’s easier to be edgy and say “I have to masturbate before I see you” than to say “I feel ashamed of the attraction I have for you. I think I should masturbate so that I don’t get aroused by your presence before seeing you.”. Saying “I feel ashamed of the attraction I have for you” would be showing vulnerability. Probably, it would have made sense to share that feeling of shame about your attraction to her even earlier as at this point in time even the full version would have been too much.
The problem is that you neither followed the societal standards nor the standards of being radically honest about your experience.
(Speaking in a private capacity) Fwiw, I suspect that >90% of the worlds in which I found the masturbation comment uncomfortable, I would have found your suggested comment uncomfortable.
I don’t know what the vibe of the situation was here, but speaking to the more general case: in my experience, one thing about vulnerability is that if someone comes off as needy (which can be easy to do by accident), it can amplify other discomforts, because then I’m being put in a position of power or control over this person’s shame or other bad feelings, so then I feel like it’s on me to fix their bad feelings.