Thanks for the post and vulnerability! I wanted to add one piece. I’m speaking from my own experience here. For me, a difference between a “correct” and “incorrect” reaction to a misconduct is a person whose emotions and needs you focus on. Long story short—under no circumstances, when you are speaking to a victim you should be the most important person in the room. If, for whatever reason, you cannot do that (and it’s totally ok to feel that way), I’d suggest stepping out from the conversation. Some people may want to give away control and ask others to react—absolutely, you should then react. But because they need it and it’s right for them, not because you want to. So, listening to a person who reports misconduct, the actions you take and the words you say should not be about your shock and stress, your values, your need for action, your need for justice, your relationship with anybody or something similar. I’m not saying “don’t have those” or “don’t set boundaries”. Obviously, you are going to have those, and if for whatever reason the situation crosses your boundary, step out of it. For me personally, angry, aggressive reactions, when I feel I totally loose control on what happens next are as problematic, as disbelief. And—here, it is very personal—disbelief is sometimes easier, as at least I know why I feel violated. In my opinion, after a situation when somebody crosses your boundaries, you may need empowerment (again, you may need it, I’m not speaking for everybody). So taking your agency from you is bad, doesn’t matter what form it takes. For me, each time I healed from sexual abuse or misconduct, was the moment when I felt in a position of power over my perpetrator. And some of my abusers were actually quite powerful people for me at the time, not only physically, but also when it comes to a position in the society. It may be personal, but I feel it’s important to mention that some people may feel that way as well. If I feel that I’m in a place where—when I speak up—people may start trying to forcefully take care of me, I won’t speak up. Which is not ideal. (That being said, if the majority of victims decide they want a system which reacts for them, please set up such a system, I’m just not going to use it) It is similar case as patriarchy, you know? The core of patriarchy is a man trying to decide what is good for a woman. The solution is listen to her. Forced protection without respect is only slightly better than ignoring.
Thanks for the post and vulnerability! I wanted to add one piece.
I’m speaking from my own experience here. For me, a difference between a “correct” and “incorrect” reaction to a misconduct is a person whose emotions and needs you focus on. Long story short—under no circumstances, when you are speaking to a victim you should be the most important person in the room. If, for whatever reason, you cannot do that (and it’s totally ok to feel that way), I’d suggest stepping out from the conversation.
Some people may want to give away control and ask others to react—absolutely, you should then react. But because they need it and it’s right for them, not because you want to.
So, listening to a person who reports misconduct, the actions you take and the words you say should not be about your shock and stress, your values, your need for action, your need for justice, your relationship with anybody or something similar. I’m not saying “don’t have those” or “don’t set boundaries”. Obviously, you are going to have those, and if for whatever reason the situation crosses your boundary, step out of it. For me personally, angry, aggressive reactions, when I feel I totally loose control on what happens next are as problematic, as disbelief. And—here, it is very personal—disbelief is sometimes easier, as at least I know why I feel violated.
In my opinion, after a situation when somebody crosses your boundaries, you may need empowerment (again, you may need it, I’m not speaking for everybody). So taking your agency from you is bad, doesn’t matter what form it takes. For me, each time I healed from sexual abuse or misconduct, was the moment when I felt in a position of power over my perpetrator. And some of my abusers were actually quite powerful people for me at the time, not only physically, but also when it comes to a position in the society. It may be personal, but I feel it’s important to mention that some people may feel that way as well. If I feel that I’m in a place where—when I speak up—people may start trying to forcefully take care of me, I won’t speak up. Which is not ideal.
(That being said, if the majority of victims decide they want a system which reacts for them, please set up such a system, I’m just not going to use it)
It is similar case as patriarchy, you know? The core of patriarchy is a man trying to decide what is good for a woman. The solution is listen to her. Forced protection without respect is only slightly better than ignoring.