Thank you for posting this Patrick Sue Domin. I agree wholeheartedly that at the very least, sleeping around in the community under the circumstances stated should be seen as something that is outside of a norm and therefore necessary to do only with great caution. I’m a woman who has in the past enjoyed sleeping around and would have potentially been saddened to have slightly fewer options in the EA community (my own initiation notwithstanding). However, I think it’s important to note that I think that this loss is worth it to alleviate some of the discomfort that women can feel in this community, which applies even more to younger and more vulnerable women than me.
I also want to note the importance of age, which wasn’t discussed explicitly in the post. If you have more than a 6 year age gap (depending on your age group of course) or are in different stages of life (undergrads and college graduates come to mind) then you are in a position of power over that person. When I was in my early 20s and younger, I had several interactions with people where I didn’t realize that they were hitting on me because they seemed like kind, reasonable people and the power differential was very obvious to me. It was scary and saddening to realize that people who I saw as friends and mentors saw me as a sexual prospect.
As someone who has been interested in EA for a long time but only recently started attending in-person events, I can also concur that that being hit on constantly as a newcomer to the community is extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Imagine if many of the new connections that you were excited to make in a new group decided not to interact with you further when they found out that you had a partner, and several made you feel uncomfortable with their advances. It should be the status quo to be welcoming to newcomers but not expect them to be sexually available. While I haven’t left the community following my experiences, I can absolutely imagine other women doing so because they’re unwilling to put up with this kind of behavior—and these losses have the potential to significantly impact the entry of new perspectives, ideas, and people into EA.
Wanted to comment that, as a woman quite involved in EA, I relate to your post. I didn’t initially find being hit on that demoralizing, but as time progressed I’ve been feeling more and more like many men in EA are simplifying a good chunk of my existence to my appearance, and this has severely harmed my view of myself. I have consciously stepped back from the community so I can remind myself that my value is not in my sexual appeal, and build my self-esteem back up. Ironically, in some ways, being involved in the community (as opposed to holding EA ideals from afar) has made me less focused on impact and more focused on sexuality. I still find the community valuable and want to continue engaging in it, but I can also absolutely see why many women would completely cut themselves off after the experiences I have had.
Thanks for your perspective! I agree with OP that unfortunately many people similar to yourself either engage shallowly with EA or bounce off after they realize they’re being hit on a bunch. I’ve talked to a couple of people in my personal life who have expressed that exact issue when I tried to get them to join our local group.
I’m surprised by the amount of people in the forum who basically react “too bad” to this idea. I hope we can get better and find a happy medium for people.
Thank you for adding your perspective, I think it is valuable. I think there are probably many people who have similar views to you but who unfortunately quickly left EA, so I imagine this view is underrepresented on the forum.
Thank you for posting this Patrick Sue Domin. I agree wholeheartedly that at the very least, sleeping around in the community under the circumstances stated should be seen as something that is outside of a norm and therefore necessary to do only with great caution. I’m a woman who has in the past enjoyed sleeping around and would have potentially been saddened to have slightly fewer options in the EA community (my own initiation notwithstanding). However, I think it’s important to note that I think that this loss is worth it to alleviate some of the discomfort that women can feel in this community, which applies even more to younger and more vulnerable women than me.
I also want to note the importance of age, which wasn’t discussed explicitly in the post. If you have more than a 6 year age gap (depending on your age group of course) or are in different stages of life (undergrads and college graduates come to mind) then you are in a position of power over that person. When I was in my early 20s and younger, I had several interactions with people where I didn’t realize that they were hitting on me because they seemed like kind, reasonable people and the power differential was very obvious to me. It was scary and saddening to realize that people who I saw as friends and mentors saw me as a sexual prospect.
As someone who has been interested in EA for a long time but only recently started attending in-person events, I can also concur that that being hit on constantly as a newcomer to the community is extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Imagine if many of the new connections that you were excited to make in a new group decided not to interact with you further when they found out that you had a partner, and several made you feel uncomfortable with their advances. It should be the status quo to be welcoming to newcomers but not expect them to be sexually available. While I haven’t left the community following my experiences, I can absolutely imagine other women doing so because they’re unwilling to put up with this kind of behavior—and these losses have the potential to significantly impact the entry of new perspectives, ideas, and people into EA.
Wanted to comment that, as a woman quite involved in EA, I relate to your post. I didn’t initially find being hit on that demoralizing, but as time progressed I’ve been feeling more and more like many men in EA are simplifying a good chunk of my existence to my appearance, and this has severely harmed my view of myself. I have consciously stepped back from the community so I can remind myself that my value is not in my sexual appeal, and build my self-esteem back up. Ironically, in some ways, being involved in the community (as opposed to holding EA ideals from afar) has made me less focused on impact and more focused on sexuality. I still find the community valuable and want to continue engaging in it, but I can also absolutely see why many women would completely cut themselves off after the experiences I have had.
Thanks for your perspective! I agree with OP that unfortunately many people similar to yourself either engage shallowly with EA or bounce off after they realize they’re being hit on a bunch. I’ve talked to a couple of people in my personal life who have expressed that exact issue when I tried to get them to join our local group.
I’m surprised by the amount of people in the forum who basically react “too bad” to this idea. I hope we can get better and find a happy medium for people.
Thank you for adding your perspective, I think it is valuable. I think there are probably many people who have similar views to you but who unfortunately quickly left EA, so I imagine this view is underrepresented on the forum.