Ah, that’s great. Thanks very much for that. I think “dating a non-EA” is a particularly dangerous(/negative impact?) phenomenon we should probably be talking about more. I also know someone, A, whose non-EA-inclined partner, B, was really unhappy that A wasn’t aiming to get a high-paying professional job and it really wrenched A from focusing on trying do the most useful stuff. Part of the problem was B’s family wanted B’s partner to be dating a high earner.
I did think that while writing it, and it worried me too. Despite that, the thought doesn’t strike me as totally stupid. If we think it’s reasonable to talk about commitment devices in general, it seems one we ought to talk about in particular in one’s choice of partner. If you want to do X, finding someone that supports you to towards you goal of achieving X seems rather helpful, whereas finding a partner that will discourage you from achieving X seems unhelpful. Nevertheless, I accept one of the obvious warning signs of being in a cult is the cult leaders tell you to date only people inside the cult lest you get ‘corrupted’...
A particular word choice that put me at unease is calling “dating a non-EA” “dangerous” without qualifying this word properly. It is more precise to say that something is “good” or “bad” for a particular purpose than to just call it “good” or “bad”; just the same with “dangerous”. If you call something “dangerous” without qualification or other context, this leaves an implicit assumption that the underlying purpose is universal and unquestioned, or almost so, in the community you’re speaking to. In many cases it’s fine to assume EA values in these sorts of statements—this is an EA forum, after all. Doing so for statements about value drift appears to support the norm that people here should want to stay with EA values forever, a norm which I oppose.
I think that there should be no norm here and we should simply consider the fact that dating a non-EA may cause a value drift before making decisions. Being altruistic sometimes means making sacrifices to your happiness. If having less money, less time and no children can be amongst the possible sacrifices, I see no reason why limiting the set of possible romantic partners could not be one of possible sacrifices as well. People are diverse. Maybe someone would rather donate less money but abstain from dating non-EAs, or even abstain from dating at all. One good piece of writing related to the subject is http://briantomasik.com/personal-thoughts-on-romance/
Males having a “dating EAs only” rule is also dangerous (for the health of the community) when 70% of the community identifies as male and only 26% as female. It’d promote unhealthy competition. What is more, communities are not that big in many of the cities which for many people would make the choice very limited. Especially since we should probably avoid flirting with newcomers because that might scare them away.
Maybe the partner doesn’t have to be an EA to prevent the value drift, maybe the important thing is that the partner is supportive of EA-type sacrifices. I’ll put this as a requirement in my online dating profiles. I think that people who are altruistic (but not necessarily EAs) are especially likely to be supportive.
To flip this one on its head: I think counter-factually for most EAs it could actually be “better” for the world at large to date non-EAs because of the whole drastic increase of impact that can typically be expected if you convince your lover of EA—which to me on balance seems more likely than value drift from dating a non-EA if you are in fact a committed EA. However, I think if you have long-term relationships exceeding 2 years then value drift becomes far more of an issue:
< 2 year relationship. Value drift potential = low. Convert lover to EA potential = very high
2 year relationship. Value drift potential = medium. Convert lover to EA potential = very low if it didn’t happen in the first 2 years
5 year relationship. Value drift potential = high. Convert lover to EA potential = extremely low if it didn’t happen in the first 5 years
Suffice to say my current girlfriend is now much more EA-minded and I have received messages from my ex that she eats less meat still even after she stopped dating me (I’ll take her word for it). I know my behaviour has been very strongly impacted by the people I’ve dated so there’s no reason to assume vice versa doesn’t happen.
Fun-fact: I use this as an excuse to argue with my girlfriend that clearly I should be dating many many girls short-term for obvious EA-reasons.
Ah, that’s great. Thanks very much for that. I think “dating a non-EA” is a particularly dangerous(/negative impact?) phenomenon we should probably be talking about more. I also know someone, A, whose non-EA-inclined partner, B, was really unhappy that A wasn’t aiming to get a high-paying professional job and it really wrenched A from focusing on trying do the most useful stuff. Part of the problem was B’s family wanted B’s partner to be dating a high earner.
This comment comes across as a tad cult-y.
I did think that while writing it, and it worried me too. Despite that, the thought doesn’t strike me as totally stupid. If we think it’s reasonable to talk about commitment devices in general, it seems one we ought to talk about in particular in one’s choice of partner. If you want to do X, finding someone that supports you to towards you goal of achieving X seems rather helpful, whereas finding a partner that will discourage you from achieving X seems unhelpful. Nevertheless, I accept one of the obvious warning signs of being in a cult is the cult leaders tell you to date only people inside the cult lest you get ‘corrupted’...
A particular word choice that put me at unease is calling “dating a non-EA” “dangerous” without qualifying this word properly. It is more precise to say that something is “good” or “bad” for a particular purpose than to just call it “good” or “bad”; just the same with “dangerous”. If you call something “dangerous” without qualification or other context, this leaves an implicit assumption that the underlying purpose is universal and unquestioned, or almost so, in the community you’re speaking to. In many cases it’s fine to assume EA values in these sorts of statements—this is an EA forum, after all. Doing so for statements about value drift appears to support the norm that people here should want to stay with EA values forever, a norm which I oppose.
haha yeah that was my take. I think the best norm to propagate is “go out with whoever makes you happy”
I think that there should be no norm here and we should simply consider the fact that dating a non-EA may cause a value drift before making decisions. Being altruistic sometimes means making sacrifices to your happiness. If having less money, less time and no children can be amongst the possible sacrifices, I see no reason why limiting the set of possible romantic partners could not be one of possible sacrifices as well. People are diverse. Maybe someone would rather donate less money but abstain from dating non-EAs, or even abstain from dating at all. One good piece of writing related to the subject is http://briantomasik.com/personal-thoughts-on-romance/
Males having a “dating EAs only” rule is also dangerous (for the health of the community) when 70% of the community identifies as male and only 26% as female. It’d promote unhealthy competition. What is more, communities are not that big in many of the cities which for many people would make the choice very limited. Especially since we should probably avoid flirting with newcomers because that might scare them away.
Maybe the partner doesn’t have to be an EA to prevent the value drift, maybe the important thing is that the partner is supportive of EA-type sacrifices. I’ll put this as a requirement in my online dating profiles. I think that people who are altruistic (but not necessarily EAs) are especially likely to be supportive.
To flip this one on its head: I think counter-factually for most EAs it could actually be “better” for the world at large to date non-EAs because of the whole drastic increase of impact that can typically be expected if you convince your lover of EA—which to me on balance seems more likely than value drift from dating a non-EA if you are in fact a committed EA. However, I think if you have long-term relationships exceeding 2 years then value drift becomes far more of an issue:
< 2 year relationship. Value drift potential = low. Convert lover to EA potential = very high
Suffice to say my current girlfriend is now much more EA-minded and I have received messages from my ex that she eats less meat still even after she stopped dating me (I’ll take her word for it). I know my behaviour has been very strongly impacted by the people I’ve dated so there’s no reason to assume vice versa doesn’t happen.
Fun-fact: I use this as an excuse to argue with my girlfriend that clearly I should be dating many many girls short-term for obvious EA-reasons.