I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for all the comments and feedback. I just read through all of them one by one and appreciate the advice and support in each and every comment. It was overwhelming to see the responses in fact (in a good way).
I am replying late because I didn’t actually notice my post had gone up, I think it took a few days for the moderators to pass it and honestly I wasn’t sure if such a post would be allowed on here, so thank you to the powers that be for making sure it was seen also.
I am seeing a psychotherapist and I have other issues in my life which have certainly been further contributing to my depressive state aside from my worries over effective altruism and “not being good enough.” With relation to effective altruism though, I do still think that depressed me feels a lot more driven (and yes, sometimes that is affected by negative feelings such as guilt) to donate more money. So forgetting any suicide follow up, which I’m glad to report has not been on my mind since this post, my gut feeling is still that “healthy” me feels less guilty and driven to assist in solving the ills of this world.
A lot of people’s posts have touched on the fact I’d be a lot more productive when healthy which I can agree on. However, I don’t necessarily feel like I would be more compassionate, and therefore my productivity would likely be on other goals, largely ignoring altruistic activities. It’s the kind of “I’m alright Jack” feeling when I’m ok as opposed to a sense of obligation if I am feeling some sort of inner turmoil, and I’m therefore more sensitive to other’s plight as a result.
I want to get better, for my own sake. But I think I may do more good from a utilitarian point of view if I remain depressed. I can understand some of the arguments to the contrary but I simply disagree with some of them when it specifically comes to my own experiences and feelings (whereas it may well hold true for others).
Therefore, I’m almost wanting to give myself permission to potentially be less utalitarian and altruistic by getting better (let’s assume in such a case that depressed me actually is more giving/effective). But it feels like a paradox because I truly want to get better, but that feels incredibly selfish if it will have a negative effect on the world from a utalitarian point of view.
I hope that makes some sense. It’s as if whilst I appreciate views pertaining to the fact I may be more effective as a non-depressed person, I want to feel that even if I was less effective/giving when in good health, I still have the right to get better. Right now, deep down, it feels like I don’t. That people can be compassionate towards their fellow man by saying I intrinsically “deserve” to get better, but in reality I don’t IF we assume it would have a net negative effect on the world.
In my experience, this overvaluation of depression, or fear about what might happen if you feel happier, is a really common concern among some types of creatives (though in their case it has more to do with inspiration than motivation). In both cases, I’d say it’s probably an incorrect perception that results from the depressive state itself.
Hi all.
I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for all the comments and feedback. I just read through all of them one by one and appreciate the advice and support in each and every comment. It was overwhelming to see the responses in fact (in a good way).
I am replying late because I didn’t actually notice my post had gone up, I think it took a few days for the moderators to pass it and honestly I wasn’t sure if such a post would be allowed on here, so thank you to the powers that be for making sure it was seen also.
I am seeing a psychotherapist and I have other issues in my life which have certainly been further contributing to my depressive state aside from my worries over effective altruism and “not being good enough.” With relation to effective altruism though, I do still think that depressed me feels a lot more driven (and yes, sometimes that is affected by negative feelings such as guilt) to donate more money. So forgetting any suicide follow up, which I’m glad to report has not been on my mind since this post, my gut feeling is still that “healthy” me feels less guilty and driven to assist in solving the ills of this world.
A lot of people’s posts have touched on the fact I’d be a lot more productive when healthy which I can agree on. However, I don’t necessarily feel like I would be more compassionate, and therefore my productivity would likely be on other goals, largely ignoring altruistic activities. It’s the kind of “I’m alright Jack” feeling when I’m ok as opposed to a sense of obligation if I am feeling some sort of inner turmoil, and I’m therefore more sensitive to other’s plight as a result.
I want to get better, for my own sake. But I think I may do more good from a utilitarian point of view if I remain depressed. I can understand some of the arguments to the contrary but I simply disagree with some of them when it specifically comes to my own experiences and feelings (whereas it may well hold true for others).
Therefore, I’m almost wanting to give myself permission to potentially be less utalitarian and altruistic by getting better (let’s assume in such a case that depressed me actually is more giving/effective). But it feels like a paradox because I truly want to get better, but that feels incredibly selfish if it will have a negative effect on the world from a utalitarian point of view.
I hope that makes some sense. It’s as if whilst I appreciate views pertaining to the fact I may be more effective as a non-depressed person, I want to feel that even if I was less effective/giving when in good health, I still have the right to get better. Right now, deep down, it feels like I don’t. That people can be compassionate towards their fellow man by saying I intrinsically “deserve” to get better, but in reality I don’t IF we assume it would have a net negative effect on the world.
I feel moved to flag again that almost exactly the opposite of this has been the case in my experience.
In my experience, this overvaluation of depression, or fear about what might happen if you feel happier, is a really common concern among some types of creatives (though in their case it has more to do with inspiration than motivation). In both cases, I’d say it’s probably an incorrect perception that results from the depressive state itself.