Reading between the lines, you’re a funny writer, are self-aware, were successful enough at work to be promoted multiple times, and have a partner and a supportive family. This is more than what most people can hope for. At some level I think you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, not just what you tried and failed to do.
Depression really sucks, and it’s unfortunate that this is entangled with trying hard to achieve ambitious EA goals and not succeeding. At the same time, I think the EA community would’ve done right by its members if most of our “failure stories” looked like yours, albeit I’d prefer perhaps more community support in the longer term.
I think you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, not just what you tried and failed to do.
I agree! At least the more rational, objective part of my brain knows that. It’s the rest of my brain that still needs convincing. Depression and related maladies make rainbows into meaningless smears of gray. Like, I know it’s a rainbow, but is that really as good as they get?
Maybe it’s easier to see the implacable determination of a self-destructive brain when it comes to thoughts like this:
have a partner and a supportive family
My mental response distorts this in impressive way, like one of those contortionists that perform inhuman feats to cram themselves into a box. Here it’s not that I expected a “better” family; to the contrary, I don’t deserve such a wonderful family. I need to be better because they deserve better.
Strangely enough, “Phantoms in the Brain,” a book that didn’t talk much about depression, really helped me to understand the ways the brain can simultaneously see something clearly and yet be blind to it or fail to see the obvious solution.
One thing I know for sure: my kids will learn about mental health and self-compassion much, much sooner than I did. Even my contortionist-lobe agrees.
Yeah FWIW my key takeaways while reading this was something like “Wow what a ridiculously good person. If this is failure, I might need to rethink some things.” :)
Reading between the lines, you’re a funny writer, are self-aware, were successful enough at work to be promoted multiple times, and have a partner and a supportive family. This is more than what most people can hope for. At some level I think you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, not just what you tried and failed to do.
Depression really sucks, and it’s unfortunate that this is entangled with trying hard to achieve ambitious EA goals and not succeeding. At the same time, I think the EA community would’ve done right by its members if most of our “failure stories” looked like yours, albeit I’d prefer perhaps more community support in the longer term.
Thanks for the kind words!
I agree! At least the more rational, objective part of my brain knows that. It’s the rest of my brain that still needs convincing. Depression and related maladies make rainbows into meaningless smears of gray. Like, I know it’s a rainbow, but is that really as good as they get?
Maybe it’s easier to see the implacable determination of a self-destructive brain when it comes to thoughts like this:
My mental response distorts this in impressive way, like one of those contortionists that perform inhuman feats to cram themselves into a box. Here it’s not that I expected a “better” family; to the contrary, I don’t deserve such a wonderful family. I need to be better because they deserve better.
Strangely enough, “Phantoms in the Brain,” a book that didn’t talk much about depression, really helped me to understand the ways the brain can simultaneously see something clearly and yet be blind to it or fail to see the obvious solution.
One thing I know for sure: my kids will learn about mental health and self-compassion much, much sooner than I did. Even my contortionist-lobe agrees.
Yeah FWIW my key takeaways while reading this was something like “Wow what a ridiculously good person. If this is failure, I might need to rethink some things.” :)