[this is partly also responding to your response to Kelsey below]
I think I view this differently because I prize personal freedom (for everyone) really highly, and I also think that the damage of community disapproval/the norms being ‘against’ you is pretty high, so I would be hesitant to argue strongly against any consensual and in-principle-not-harmful relationship style, even if there was evidence that it led to worse outcomes. In that situation, I’d try to mitigate the bad outcomes rather than discouraging the style.
To get a sense of why poly people are upset about this, imagine if someone was like ‘there are better outcomes if people are celibate—you save so much time and emotional energy that can be spent on research! So you should break up with your partner’. You’d probably have a strong ‘uh, no, wtf, I’m not doing that’ reaction. And maybe you’d say ‘oh I would never say anyone would break up with their partners’, but depriving someone of future potential positive relationships is also bad, and… like… maybe I’m just neurotic or not assertive enough or something, but if someone says ‘X is bad’, and I do X, I am inclined to take that seriously.
I also think advocating against polyamory wouldn’t be very effective at curbing abuses that stem from abusers being exposed to less risk, because I think if you’re brazen and sociopathic enough to do some of the things described in the article, and also high status, you’re not really going to care about whether your relationship style is vaguely discouraged. Like, stuff like grooming and hitting on young people you have power over and assault is already more-than-vaguely discouraged, and that didn’t help!
To get a sense of why poly people are upset about this, imagine if...
I’m confused by your analogy to celibacy because the analogous statements seem really different from anything I’ve said or think? I don’t think there are better outcomes if people refrain from polyamory, haven’t told anyone they should break up, and don’t think polyamory is bad.
if you’re brazen and sociopathic enough to do some of the things described in the article, and also high status, you’re not …
This is getting deeper into a hypothetical (“what I think I would do in an alternative world where I had strong evidence that polyamory was harmful”) that I don’t think is very helpful? If you really want to know what I would do in this situation I’m willing to continue, but I’m nervous about people misinterpreting and thinking that I’m talking about a non-hypothetical.
I’m sorry to have misinterpreted you. I guess I’m confused by what your broad point is now—where do we disagree? I think I don’t understand why you disagree with my comment that ‘Polyamory is a morally neutral relationship structure that’s practiced happily by lots of people. It doesn’t make you an abuser, or not-an-abuser.’
[this is partly also responding to your response to Kelsey below]
I think I view this differently because I prize personal freedom (for everyone) really highly, and I also think that the damage of community disapproval/the norms being ‘against’ you is pretty high, so I would be hesitant to argue strongly against any consensual and in-principle-not-harmful relationship style, even if there was evidence that it led to worse outcomes. In that situation, I’d try to mitigate the bad outcomes rather than discouraging the style.
To get a sense of why poly people are upset about this, imagine if someone was like ‘there are better outcomes if people are celibate—you save so much time and emotional energy that can be spent on research! So you should break up with your partner’. You’d probably have a strong ‘uh, no, wtf, I’m not doing that’ reaction. And maybe you’d say ‘oh I would never say anyone would break up with their partners’, but depriving someone of future potential positive relationships is also bad, and… like… maybe I’m just neurotic or not assertive enough or something, but if someone says ‘X is bad’, and I do X, I am inclined to take that seriously.
I also think advocating against polyamory wouldn’t be very effective at curbing abuses that stem from abusers being exposed to less risk, because I think if you’re brazen and sociopathic enough to do some of the things described in the article, and also high status, you’re not really going to care about whether your relationship style is vaguely discouraged. Like, stuff like grooming and hitting on young people you have power over and assault is already more-than-vaguely discouraged, and that didn’t help!
I’m confused by your analogy to celibacy because the analogous statements seem really different from anything I’ve said or think? I don’t think there are better outcomes if people refrain from polyamory, haven’t told anyone they should break up, and don’t think polyamory is bad.
This is getting deeper into a hypothetical (“what I think I would do in an alternative world where I had strong evidence that polyamory was harmful”) that I don’t think is very helpful? If you really want to know what I would do in this situation I’m willing to continue, but I’m nervous about people misinterpreting and thinking that I’m talking about a non-hypothetical.
I’m sorry to have misinterpreted you. I guess I’m confused by what your broad point is now—where do we disagree? I think I don’t understand why you disagree with my comment that ‘Polyamory is a morally neutral relationship structure that’s practiced happily by lots of people. It doesn’t make you an abuser, or not-an-abuser.’
I’m not sure we disagree all that much, and I’m sorry for giving the impression otherwise!
Where I think we disagree is that I don’t think we can just take neutrality as an assumption? Instead, it matters what the effects are.