If you perceived a friendship where unusually direct and honest communication with the person was permitted, and the person went along with it, and you communicated in a way that was similar in the levels of ‘edginess’ to some previous conversations, then the feelings that were hurt are on her—not you.
People have a personal responsibility to tell others to stop what they’re doing if they don’t feel like they want others to do those things. Don’t expect others to read your mind.
I’d be about 50%* on your side if there weren’t for power dynamics. With the power dynamics, it’s more like 5%. I agree that Owen’s account sounds less concerning than the one in the TIME article, but I still think this sort of thing shouldn’t happen. Since it sounds like this was a work trip for an interview rather than a visit at a friend’s place, the person who’s responsible for getting you the interview shouldn’t be testing the waters for what might or might not make you uncomfortable enough to speak up. That doesn’t involve mind reading – it involves staying away from anything sexually or romantically pressuring. (Many would say that this means staying away from anything sexual or romantic altogether in an asymmetric power dynamic, since it’s hard to foresee what is or isn’t “pressure.” I think that makes sense for the most extreme types of power dynamics, like supervisor and direct reports. For power-and-(perceived)-friendship dynamics like the one Owen describes, I think it’s not per se indefensible to express interest in some way (not that Owen necessarily did this by mentioning masturbation – but it can straightforwardly be interpreted to have these undertones). However, I’d say it’s on the person at the upper end of the power dynamic to make extra sure they’re choosing a timing and method of expression that’s as easy to reject as possible (and also minimize fallout/subsequent awkwardness). (So, not before a job interview when the other person has no place arranged to stay except your flat.) And if you can’t see this going well, then don’t express interest or breach these topics. (For these reasons, many orgs have a strict policy against this, which is of course separate from the moral question of it, but still, it’s often good to mimic what’s “good practice” if the context is similar.) In any case, if Owen had deliberately thought about it from that angle, he’d himself have realized that he shouldn’t do the thing he did. (I read his apology to imply agreement with this view I just expressed.)
*On why I only agree 50% with “People have a personal responsibility to tell others to stop what they’re doing if they don’t feel like they want others to do those things. Don’t expect others to read your mind”: The user “nananana.nananana.heyhey.anon” expresses this really well in their comment. Sure, ultimately, it’s your responsibility to say something. At the same time, people also have a responsibility to not go around pushing boundaries. Imagine a psychopath who always stops doing things when explicitly told to stop doing that specific thing, but he keeps pushing boundaries left and right whenever he’s not asked to stop. Clearly, such a psychopath shouldn’t be a part of the sort of communities we want to build. Therefore, there’s more to the picture than “Others have to speak up if they’re uncomfortable.” When a person expresses that they were made uncomfortable, that means things already went too far.It’s not a big deal if this happens unintentionally, but it’s still regrettable. It shouldn’t form a pattern. We can’t read minds, but we can guess – and it’s important to cultivate this sort of guessing and learn to get good at it.
I’d be about 50%* on your side if there weren’t for power dynamics. With the power dynamics, it’s more like 5%. I agree that Owen’s account sounds less concerning than the one in the TIME article, but I still think this sort of thing shouldn’t happen. Since it sounds like this was a work trip for an interview rather than a visit at a friend’s place, the person who’s responsible for getting you the interview shouldn’t be testing the waters for what might or might not make you uncomfortable enough to speak up. That doesn’t involve mind reading – it involves staying away from anything sexually or romantically pressuring. (Many would say that this means staying away from anything sexual or romantic altogether in an asymmetric power dynamic, since it’s hard to foresee what is or isn’t “pressure.” I think that makes sense for the most extreme types of power dynamics, like supervisor and direct reports. For power-and-(perceived)-friendship dynamics like the one Owen describes, I think it’s not per se indefensible to express interest in some way (not that Owen necessarily did this by mentioning masturbation – but it can straightforwardly be interpreted to have these undertones). However, I’d say it’s on the person at the upper end of the power dynamic to make extra sure they’re choosing a timing and method of expression that’s as easy to reject as possible (and also minimize fallout/subsequent awkwardness). (So, not before a job interview when the other person has no place arranged to stay except your flat.) And if you can’t see this going well, then don’t express interest or breach these topics. (For these reasons, many orgs have a strict policy against this, which is of course separate from the moral question of it, but still, it’s often good to mimic what’s “good practice” if the context is similar.) In any case, if Owen had deliberately thought about it from that angle, he’d himself have realized that he shouldn’t do the thing he did. (I read his apology to imply agreement with this view I just expressed.)
*On why I only agree 50% with “People have a personal responsibility to tell others to stop what they’re doing if they don’t feel like they want others to do those things. Don’t expect others to read your mind”:
The user “nananana.nananana.heyhey.anon” expresses this really well in their comment. Sure, ultimately, it’s your responsibility to say something. At the same time, people also have a responsibility to not go around pushing boundaries. Imagine a psychopath who always stops doing things when explicitly told to stop doing that specific thing, but he keeps pushing boundaries left and right whenever he’s not asked to stop. Clearly, such a psychopath shouldn’t be a part of the sort of communities we want to build. Therefore, there’s more to the picture than “Others have to speak up if they’re uncomfortable.” When a person expresses that they were made uncomfortable, that means things already went too far. It’s not a big deal if this happens unintentionally, but it’s still regrettable. It shouldn’t form a pattern. We can’t read minds, but we can guess – and it’s important to cultivate this sort of guessing and learn to get good at it.