Before reading the rest of this, please consider calling the suicide prevention lifeline for support. This may seem like generic advice, but the lifeline is a really valuable resource.
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EA-specific notes:
You’re not alone. A lot of people involved in EA struggle with scrupulosity and feelings of guilt, and many have suffered from depression (sometimes related to the aforementioned feelings).
EA Peer Support is a Facebook group devoted to helping and supporting people through their personal problems. I’d really encourage you to check it out; there are a lot of warm-hearted, thoughtful people in the group.
Also, Kelsey Piper often writes about the feelings of guilt/scrupulosity that arise from EA thinking, and how to handle them. This is one good post about that; there are many others, and frankly there are many worse ways to spend time than just reading her entire Tumblr to find all the things she’s written about self-care and emotional management.
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I’m not a therapist or any other kind of counselor, but speaking from my own viewpoint/experience, the most important thing you can do is ensure that you are in a safe, stable position. No one is obliged to force themselves to suffer for the good of others; I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever met during my time in EA who would argue otherwise.
Even you currently feel that there is tension between your personal comfort and your capacity to do good for others, remember that this tension needn’t be a permanent feature of your life. I’ve known other people in EA who once felt the same tension, but eventually resolved it, with help from their friends and the wider community.
On top of everything else, I think there are compelling reasons not to betray your parents’ trust even if it seems like that would have good consequences. To quote Holden Karnofsky:
I try to perform very well on “standard” generosity and ethics, and overlay my more personal, debatable, potentially-biased agenda on top of that rather than in replacement of it. I wouldn’t steal money to give it to our top charities.
Because we believe that trust, cooperation, and accurate information are essential to doing good, we strive to be honest and trustworthy. More broadly, we strive to follow those rules of good conduct that allow communities (and the people within them) to thrive.
Before reading the rest of this, please consider calling the suicide prevention lifeline for support. This may seem like generic advice, but the lifeline is a really valuable resource.
--
EA-specific notes:
You’re not alone. A lot of people involved in EA struggle with scrupulosity and feelings of guilt, and many have suffered from depression (sometimes related to the aforementioned feelings).
EA Peer Support is a Facebook group devoted to helping and supporting people through their personal problems. I’d really encourage you to check it out; there are a lot of warm-hearted, thoughtful people in the group.
Also, Kelsey Piper often writes about the feelings of guilt/scrupulosity that arise from EA thinking, and how to handle them. This is one good post about that; there are many others, and frankly there are many worse ways to spend time than just reading her entire Tumblr to find all the things she’s written about self-care and emotional management.
--
I’m not a therapist or any other kind of counselor, but speaking from my own viewpoint/experience, the most important thing you can do is ensure that you are in a safe, stable position. No one is obliged to force themselves to suffer for the good of others; I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever met during my time in EA who would argue otherwise.
Even you currently feel that there is tension between your personal comfort and your capacity to do good for others, remember that this tension needn’t be a permanent feature of your life. I’ve known other people in EA who once felt the same tension, but eventually resolved it, with help from their friends and the wider community.
It’s okay to care about yourself. It’s okay to care about your parents. You don’t need to make all of your life decisions according to a single unified framework about doing good through charity; in the long run, some kind of balance that includes a regard for your own health is much better.
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On top of everything else, I think there are compelling reasons not to betray your parents’ trust even if it seems like that would have good consequences. To quote Holden Karnofsky:
A similar point exists within the broadly-endorsed EA Guiding Principles: