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I think there are a lot of partners out there (including where both are EA, but one is maximizing harder than the other) who feel similarly!
Another relevant post: You have more than one goal, and that’s fine

You seem really thoughtful and considerate.

This isn’t really that deep, but it seems like EAs should accommodate the needs of their partners, with good communication, and investment appropriate to the relationship that they want for each other.

I don’t think this is news to anyone. I think I’m trying to say your feelings and views are valid.

Increasingly I find myself in a position where I feel that I have to defend myself to my significant other for actions

These discussions and family-research-moments … are increasingly eating into my self-worth and feeding insecurities.

This may be wildly off, but: have you talked to your partner about this? Do they know that when they talk to you like this, you feel attacked? And that it affects your self-worth? What would they say?

I ask because I think this is in many ways a relationship problem. They are doing something that makes you feel hurt. That’s a problem that you could resolve in a number of ways—they could change, you could change, but you need to talk about it.

It might be that the outcome of that conversation is that you decide that you want to be more okay with thinking in this way, or shifting closer to what they believe. And maybe that’s already where you are (in which case my apologies). But I don’t think you should start out assuming that it’s you who needs to change here.

Ozy wrote a great post about the being a more and less dedicated EAs.