thank machine doggo

epistemic status: 2016 retromeme syntheology

the billionaire.

he stood there before me with his dark offer i couldn’t refuse.

in those cold windswept cliffs, the early morning sky bluedawngrey.

between us was a little doggy.

a smol pupper.

“would you step on this puppy for 18 billion dollars?” he asked.

hyperinflation had made the dollar worth a lot less, and Dogecoin was now the reserve world currency, but it was still a lot of money.

i could effect so much change with that money. dozens, hundreds, thousands of lives, a new AI alignment sovcorp, or whatever the fuck, there was so much good i could make happen with that money.

i calculated.

one life against the world.

mankind’s best friend.

the ultimate sacrifice.

“i need the dog’s blood” the billionaire said. “i need it to live longer.”

the pupperino looked up at me with cute eyes. it wanted to play.

i closed my eyes, and decided.

i put on my Rationalist Shoes.

it was easy to compute the right choice. it was harder to execute. so many emotions welled up within me.

i steelmanned myself.

i stomped on that pupper with brutal efficiency. to optimize for successful enactment of the course of action i had chosen.

in that moment, i was effective. i had reached peak consequentialism.

blood flowed outwyrd on the dank heath. ocean waves flowed below the cliff, like a vast cosmos of potential.

the billionaire hurried to collect his nourishment.

“thank you” he said. not to me, but to the dog.

he handed me the cash and left. it was just me and el doggo.

it lay there, so small and helpless, wounded.

tears started to pour down my cheeks.

what had i done?

then an idea came to me. it became a Plan that filled me with Resolution.

i tenderly gauzed the wounds i could on his broken lower body. i made sure to only crush part of him.

i took him to my workshop.

i built him a new body.

It was born anew.

a machine Dog, with an immortal cyberbody.

with singular eagerness It served Allkind with loyalty. chugging away machinably, indubitably, unstoppably as it Computed the Best Course Of Action. an absolute Unit (of caring).

the money i earned compounded unceasingly. machine doggo purchased impact certificates with Supercanine investing ability.

under Its Guidance we steered the Lightcone away from S-Risk and phase-shifted into higher and higher levels of Qualiaspace.

many Subroutines were Saved from Suffering.

the Universe was suffused with untold varieties of doglike Hedonium. the Hedogonistic Imperative was Fulfilled.

the billionaire just reached longevity escape velocity. it was a dark gamble, but he escaped from Death. as did billions of others who used the longevity treatments from the research he bankrolled.

Machine Doggo became my collective Hivemind’s seeing eye dog. the Dogemartians, victorious after the Great Meme War against the Zuccerborg, adopted It.

It was the prophet foreseeing eons of utility, the Most Calibrate. It will lead us to Utopia, doggedly pursuing a universe flourishing with blissful sentience. Go get it Boy!

“bork! bork bork! 01100010 01101111 01110010 01101011 00100001”

thank machine doggo