Context: I have been a practicing Buddhist, primarily in the Plum Village Tradition, since 2011. In addition to my personal practice, I am currently training to become a “lay monastic” (essentially, just doing more formal Sangha-building).
First and foremost, I appreciate your openness about your experience. I definitely understand how frustrating this can be, and you are certainly not alone in this. I feel comfortable in assessing that most, if not all, struggle with this to some extent—even years into practice. Myself included. There are so many variables that impact one’s ability to be present and mindful, and it is important to be compassionate toward yourself whenever this happens for you.
Broadly, what has helped me in my own practice is not conceptualizing meditation as meditation = sitting meditation. There are many forms of meditation (walking, deep relaxation/resting, hugging, eating, etc.) and every moment is an opportunity to be mindful and present. Another aspect of this particular tradition that I have found helpful is to move away from conceptualizing meditation and mindfulness as means to an end (consequentialist/utilitarian-esque thinking), and rather, as the end in itself (this is largely how it is regarded in my main tradition, but others regard meditation as [TLDR:] the way to enlightenment).
I have also found that more diligently studying the sutras/teachings/texts/history has deepened my understanding and helped my practice, but I have simultaneously worked to avoid over-intellectualizing; instead, working to embody the practices and to integrate them into my daily life (incrementally over time, even if it is just a few seconds of being more mindful per day/week/month).
As for jumping into a retreat—results vary drastically. Some find this beneficial, others find it extremely challenging and occasionally harmful (the latter is often true if people are struggling with deep emotional/psychological topics). I tend to encourage people to try a one-day retreat, maybe a weekend, rather than going all in on a week or more. It may also be worth considering which type of retreat you partake in; I would recommend doing research and tuning into what sounds best based on your wants/needs at the time you are searching. I attend retreats in various traditions throughout the year, but I most often attend retreats at Plum Village centers, as I have found that style most suitable for my wants/needs. I do find that other retreats/traditions can be more helpful at different points.
It is difficult to discuss this at length in a comment format, but I would be happy to hear more about your experience and discuss it further, if you think doing so would be beneficial (others are welcome, too). Feel free to schedule some time for us to chat.
In the interim, I am happy to answer questions here, in a message, or by email.
thank you. seeing meditation as not just sitting meditation is something that resonates. i do have moments when i may be doing whatever and when i try to be more present and check myself and relax. that seems to do something, at least.
I have actually done a few mediations in plum village. i loved the atmosphere there, but the meditation sessions were as tortuous as elsewhere :) Still, I have at times considered spending a couple of weeks there to see if that would have more effect.
thanks for the offer to chat. right now i’m in a giving up-mood (re. meditation) but when i come out of that again and want to give it another shot (as always happens) I may take you up on that. i appreciate it.
Context: I have been a practicing Buddhist, primarily in the Plum Village Tradition, since 2011. In addition to my personal practice, I am currently training to become a “lay monastic” (essentially, just doing more formal Sangha-building).
First and foremost, I appreciate your openness about your experience. I definitely understand how frustrating this can be, and you are certainly not alone in this. I feel comfortable in assessing that most, if not all, struggle with this to some extent—even years into practice. Myself included. There are so many variables that impact one’s ability to be present and mindful, and it is important to be compassionate toward yourself whenever this happens for you.
Broadly, what has helped me in my own practice is not conceptualizing meditation as meditation = sitting meditation. There are many forms of meditation (walking, deep relaxation/resting, hugging, eating, etc.) and every moment is an opportunity to be mindful and present. Another aspect of this particular tradition that I have found helpful is to move away from conceptualizing meditation and mindfulness as means to an end (consequentialist/utilitarian-esque thinking), and rather, as the end in itself (this is largely how it is regarded in my main tradition, but others regard meditation as [TLDR:] the way to enlightenment).
I have also found that more diligently studying the sutras/teachings/texts/history has deepened my understanding and helped my practice, but I have simultaneously worked to avoid over-intellectualizing; instead, working to embody the practices and to integrate them into my daily life (incrementally over time, even if it is just a few seconds of being more mindful per day/week/month).
As for jumping into a retreat—results vary drastically. Some find this beneficial, others find it extremely challenging and occasionally harmful (the latter is often true if people are struggling with deep emotional/psychological topics). I tend to encourage people to try a one-day retreat, maybe a weekend, rather than going all in on a week or more. It may also be worth considering which type of retreat you partake in; I would recommend doing research and tuning into what sounds best based on your wants/needs at the time you are searching. I attend retreats in various traditions throughout the year, but I most often attend retreats at Plum Village centers, as I have found that style most suitable for my wants/needs. I do find that other retreats/traditions can be more helpful at different points.
It is difficult to discuss this at length in a comment format, but I would be happy to hear more about your experience and discuss it further, if you think doing so would be beneficial (others are welcome, too). Feel free to schedule some time for us to chat.
In the interim, I am happy to answer questions here, in a message, or by email.
thank you. seeing meditation as not just sitting meditation is something that resonates. i do have moments when i may be doing whatever and when i try to be more present and check myself and relax. that seems to do something, at least.
I have actually done a few mediations in plum village. i loved the atmosphere there, but the meditation sessions were as tortuous as elsewhere :) Still, I have at times considered spending a couple of weeks there to see if that would have more effect.
thanks for the offer to chat. right now i’m in a giving up-mood (re. meditation) but when i come out of that again and want to give it another shot (as always happens) I may take you up on that. i appreciate it.