I’m incredibly sorry about the negative experiences you and your friends have had. I think it would be beneficial to provide more detail about the “Lesswrong style Jedi mind tricks” if you feel comfortable. My guess (as a woman who has many rationalist male friends) is that a good number of men who don’t want to be predatory are are trying to figure out if they’ve unknowingly done something that could be making women uncomfortable. I think they would benefit from specifics here, so that they can avoid doing similar things in the future.
I haven’t had any rationalist-style issues specifically. But, I’ll list some specific behaviors that have been best at making me feel comfortable when asked out /hit on in ea:
People being extremely clear about consent about touching. Asking about things before they happen and, before asking, making it a point to say that they genuinely want you to say no if your answer is no.
Anyone who has a position of authority over me/recommending me for funding telling me the extent to which they would immediately be transparent to funders/teammates in the case that we did date. I think this is a part of informed consent around dating that’s often overlooked. Also making it directly clear that this will not affect my funding/opportunities. The other person saying this without me having to ask is very important and makes me feel much less overwhelmed by any power dynamic.
Thank you (both)!