Lumpy is an undergraduate at some state college somewhere in the States. He isn’t an interesting person and interesting things seldom happen to him.
Among his skills are such diverse elements as linguistic tomfoolery, procrastination, being terrible with computers yet running Linux anyway, a genial temperament and magnanimous spirit, a fairly swell necktie if he does say so himself, mounting dread, and quiet desperation.
Plays as a wizard in any table top or video game where that’s an option, regardless of whether it’s a [i]strong[/i] option. Has never failed a Hogwarts sorting test, of any sort or on any platform. (If you were about to say how one can’t fail a sorting test . . . one surmises that you didn’t make Ravenclaw.) Read The Fellowship, Two Towers, and Return of the King over the course of three sleepless days at age seven; couldn’t keep down solid food after, because he’d forgotten to eat. Was really into the MBTI as a tweenager; thought it ridiculous how people said that no personality type was “better” than the others when ENTJ is clearly the most powerful. (Scored INFP, his self, but hey, one out of four isn’t so bad. (However, found a better fit in INTP.)) Out of the Disney princesses Lumpy is Mulan—that is, if one is willing to trust BuzzFeed. Which, alas, one is not.
No, but seriously.
If, despite this exhaustive list of traits and deeds, your burning question is left unanswered, send a missive in private. Should your quest be noble and intentions pure, it is said that Lumpyproletariat might respond in kind.