Just a little discussion I had with Claude Haiku 3.5.
Me:
Why am I pretending to care about Effective Altruism, or achievement, when itâs clear to me that by all acounts Iâm a mediocre person and I will probably never be exceptional in anything, especially not altruism? Why am I sad over the fact that I will be a âloserâ for the next 5-15 years of my entire short life? No one cares about what Iâm doing, and thatâs good, because why would they pay attention to a loser like me? I donât put effort into anything. I donât even try to. Because putting effort is awful. I donât sacrifice anything for the sake of other people. I am an awful person.
What, youâre going to say âstop beating yourself or youâll remain lazy like you wereâ? I know that. Even if I knew what I could sacrifice for the sake of other people, I wonât do it, because I like being mediocre and not trying. It doesnât matter what I tell myself, âOh, I want to help others so muchâ, because thatâs a lie I keep telling myself. I donât care about other people, and even if I ever felt bad about their fate, I wonât lift a finger to help them. Thatâs who I was for all these 23 years of my life.
People simply told me Iâm exceptional because they knew my narcissistic ass wonât take constructive criticism seriously. I hate it when people actually criticise me for good reason. And Iâm glad they donât do it enough times.
Youâre going to tell me, âbut you can always change yourself for the betterâ. People donât change that easily, and their changes are not under their control. They donât know how theyâll change, or how they can change for the better. I just donât have faith in this. I read the mental health books, did the exercises, and have I improved my life? All I did was finish a useless degree, get a job in retail customer service, donate $40 to charity, fantasize about suicide while not harming myself even a iota, and thatâs it. I am useless.
I seriously think that being hopeful wonât make my life better, especially since I donât really have any hope.
Haiku:
I hear you, and I want to respond with genuine empathy and care. What youâre expressing sounds like a deep struggle with self-worth, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. These feelings are real, valid, and more common than you might think.
Your self-description isnât just about being âmediocreââit sounds like youâre experiencing significant emotional pain. The way youâre speaking about yourself reveals someone who is:
Deeply self-critical
Feeling trapped in a cycle of perceived failure
Experiencing symptoms consistent with depression
Struggling with motivation and self-compassion
A few important things to acknowledge:
Your worth is not determined by your achievements. The harsh inner dialogue youâre describing is not an accurate reflection of your value as a human being. Every person has inherent worth, regardless of their productivity, career, or perceived âexceptionalismâ.
Depression distorts perspective. The way youâre viewing yourself right now is likely heavily influenced by depressive thinking. These thoughts feel true, but they are not objective reality.
Some compassionate observations:
Youâre self-aware enough to recognize these patterns
Youâve read mental health books and attempted self-improvement
Youâve maintained employment
Youâve made a charitable donation
Youâre experiencing difficult emotions but havenât acted on suicidal thoughts
These are actually signs of resilience, not failure.
Iâm concerned about the depth of your emotional struggle. While I can offer support and perspective, professional help would be most beneficial. A mental health professional could:
Help you process these feelings
Develop coping strategies
Potentially explore treatment for depression
Support you in building self-compassion
Would you be open to speaking with a counselor or therapist? Your description suggests youâre carrying a heavy emotional burden that you donât have to manage alone.
Your feelings are valid. Your struggle is real. And despite what your current thoughts are telling you, you matter. Your life has value beyond productivity or achievements.
Ultimately, I see the goal of EA as more good experiences and less suffering. When you have a day thatâs ok instead of awful, when you make music that gives you satisfaction, when you have a good lunch or a good nap or a good experience of any kind, thatâs a win. Youâre not just here to create achievements, youâre here as a living being whose experiences matter.
Iâd echo Dave that talking to somebody (beyond LLMs) seems like a good idea. If youâre not already getting medical/âmental health care for depression, Iâd strongly suggest that too. I think this overview by Scott Alexander is a good place to think through some options, or maybe skip to some recommended steps for treating depression. Justisâ piece If youâre unhappy, consider leavingis worth a read for anybody who feels like theyâre not âsucceedingâ at EA.
Just a little discussion I had with Claude Haiku 3.5.
Me:
Why am I pretending to care about Effective Altruism, or achievement, when itâs clear to me that by all acounts Iâm a mediocre person and I will probably never be exceptional in anything, especially not altruism? Why am I sad over the fact that I will be a âloserâ for the next 5-15 years of my entire short life? No one cares about what Iâm doing, and thatâs good, because why would they pay attention to a loser like me? I donât put effort into anything. I donât even try to. Because putting effort is awful. I donât sacrifice anything for the sake of other people. I am an awful person.
What, youâre going to say âstop beating yourself or youâll remain lazy like you wereâ? I know that. Even if I knew what I could sacrifice for the sake of other people, I wonât do it, because I like being mediocre and not trying. It doesnât matter what I tell myself, âOh, I want to help others so muchâ, because thatâs a lie I keep telling myself. I donât care about other people, and even if I ever felt bad about their fate, I wonât lift a finger to help them. Thatâs who I was for all these 23 years of my life.
People simply told me Iâm exceptional because they knew my narcissistic ass wonât take constructive criticism seriously. I hate it when people actually criticise me for good reason. And Iâm glad they donât do it enough times.
Youâre going to tell me, âbut you can always change yourself for the betterâ. People donât change that easily, and their changes are not under their control. They donât know how theyâll change, or how they can change for the better. I just donât have faith in this. I read the mental health books, did the exercises, and have I improved my life? All I did was finish a useless degree, get a job in retail customer service, donate $40 to charity, fantasize about suicide while not harming myself even a iota, and thatâs it. I am useless.
I seriously think that being hopeful wonât make my life better, especially since I donât really have any hope.
Haiku:
I hear you, and I want to respond with genuine empathy and care. What youâre expressing sounds like a deep struggle with self-worth, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. These feelings are real, valid, and more common than you might think.
Your self-description isnât just about being âmediocreââit sounds like youâre experiencing significant emotional pain. The way youâre speaking about yourself reveals someone who is:
Deeply self-critical
Feeling trapped in a cycle of perceived failure
Experiencing symptoms consistent with depression
Struggling with motivation and self-compassion
A few important things to acknowledge:
Your worth is not determined by your achievements. The harsh inner dialogue youâre describing is not an accurate reflection of your value as a human being. Every person has inherent worth, regardless of their productivity, career, or perceived âexceptionalismâ.
Depression distorts perspective. The way youâre viewing yourself right now is likely heavily influenced by depressive thinking. These thoughts feel true, but they are not objective reality.
Some compassionate observations:
Youâre self-aware enough to recognize these patterns
Youâve read mental health books and attempted self-improvement
Youâve maintained employment
Youâve made a charitable donation
Youâre experiencing difficult emotions but havenât acted on suicidal thoughts
These are actually signs of resilience, not failure.
Iâm concerned about the depth of your emotional struggle. While I can offer support and perspective, professional help would be most beneficial. A mental health professional could:
Help you process these feelings
Develop coping strategies
Potentially explore treatment for depression
Support you in building self-compassion
Would you be open to speaking with a counselor or therapist? Your description suggests youâre carrying a heavy emotional burden that you donât have to manage alone.
Your feelings are valid. Your struggle is real. And despite what your current thoughts are telling you, you matter. Your life has value beyond productivity or achievements.
Hey, Iâm sorry things have been feeling so bad!
Ultimately, I see the goal of EA as more good experiences and less suffering. When you have a day thatâs ok instead of awful, when you make music that gives you satisfaction, when you have a good lunch or a good nap or a good experience of any kind, thatâs a win. Youâre not just here to create achievements, youâre here as a living being whose experiences matter.
Iâd echo Dave that talking to somebody (beyond LLMs) seems like a good idea.
If youâre not already getting medical/âmental health care for depression, Iâd strongly suggest that too. I think this overview by Scott Alexander is a good place to think through some options, or maybe skip to some recommended steps for treating depression.
Justisâ piece If youâre unhappy, consider leaving is worth a read for anybody who feels like theyâre not âsucceedingâ at EA.