I found the 17% of people who agreed that there shouldn’t be discussion of polyamory a little upsetting. I doubt they really meant it the way it came across but it felt judgemental.
I think in general I dislike much of the EA is too weird discussion tonally. As if weirdness is something that’s cheap to change rather than very expensive.
I think it is extremely ambiguous about what “talk about polyamory” is, for example I imagine many people (tbh I’d guess more than 17% of EAs) would find it unpleasant if there’s regular and unavoidable discussions of whether polyamory* is net bad for society, EA, etc, in their workplace. I’d personally be fine with it if other people are, but there’s always going to be a part of me that’d be tracking whether people are likely to be non-visibly upset etc.
Now whether a non-work topic being upsetting means people shouldn’t discuss it in the workplace is debatable. I think it’d be too draconian to have workplace rules against it (at least by what I understood to be coastal American norms), but having soft norms against it seems probably preferable.
*other examples that might fall into this category: monogamy, body positivity, feminism, Christianity; I’m sure people can generate other examples.
To be clear, when I voted that talking about polyamory in the workplace is OK, I meant someone telling a coworker about their own life/preferences/experiences.
For context on my own vote:
I’d give the same answer for talking about monogamy.
People should clearly be able to say “my partner(s) and I are celebrating my birthday tonight” and “it’s my anniversary!” and look at this cute picture of my metamour’s dog!” and then answer questions if a colleague says, “what’s a metamour?” Just like all colleagues should be able to talk about their families at work.
People should be aware that it’s risky to spend work time nerding out about dating, romantic issues, sex, hitting on people, etc. People should be aware that mono people in the Bay have often reported feeling pressured or judged for not being poly. But just like with any relation type, discussing romance at work is very likely to make someone feel uncomfortable and junior people often won’t feel like they can say so.
Maybe this would provide a little more context. Politics, sexual and romantic relationships, money, and religion are topics that are traditionally considered somewhat private in the USA, and are widely viewed as somewhat rude to talk about in public. I would feel fine talking about any of these topics with a close friend, but I wouldn’t want to hear a colleague discuss the details of their romantic relationship anymore than I want to hear the particulars of their money issues or their faith. Naturally, these norms can vary across cultures, but there is a fairly strong norm to not discuss these topics in a workplace in the USA, at least.
The other big factor that comes to mind for me is the difference between a mere mention in passing and a repeated/regulartopic of conversation. On a very superficial level, we are there to work, not to talk about relationships. On a more social/conversational level, I don’t want to be repeatedly badgered with an someone else’s relationship status or romantic adventures. I don’t think that polyamory should be a prohibited topic any more than “do you want to have kids someday” or “I’m excited for a date this weekend” should be prohibited. But if any of those are repeatedly brought up in the workplace… Well, I’d like to have a workplace free from that type of annoyance. So (for me at least) it is less about there shouldn’t be discussion of polyamory in the workplace, and more about there shouldn’t be regular and extended discussions of people’s personal relationships in the workplace.
I think this is something to be careful of but I think putting it on a risk register or saying people shouldn’t do it is a big step. And not what people do with other relationships.
Seems more of a post hoc justification than a coherent position regardless of relationship type.
Talking about about a partner’s existence or day to day life with them is not widely considered private or rude (source: an American). Getting specific about feelings or sex is private, but serious partners come up in a lot of casual ways (what’d you do this weekend? Went roller skating with my girlfriend).
Elizabeth, if the meaning coming across is that I am proposing the mere acknowledgement of a partner’s existence as rude, then I have phrased my writing poorly. I agree that talking about about a partner’s existence or day to day life with them is not widely considered private or rude. It seems that we both agree that mentioning (What’d you do this weekend? Went roller skating with my girlfriend) is fine, and getting into specifics is more private.
I think maybe the misunderstanding might be focused on what “talking” means.
I’d be keen to hear your views and whether they differed from the poll results in any aspects.
I found the 17% of people who agreed that there shouldn’t be discussion of polyamory a little upsetting. I doubt they really meant it the way it came across but it felt judgemental.
I think in general I dislike much of the EA is too weird discussion tonally. As if weirdness is something that’s cheap to change rather than very expensive.
I think it is extremely ambiguous about what “talk about polyamory” is, for example I imagine many people (tbh I’d guess more than 17% of EAs) would find it unpleasant if there’s regular and unavoidable discussions of whether polyamory* is net bad for society, EA, etc, in their workplace. I’d personally be fine with it if other people are, but there’s always going to be a part of me that’d be tracking whether people are likely to be non-visibly upset etc.
Now whether a non-work topic being upsetting means people shouldn’t discuss it in the workplace is debatable. I think it’d be too draconian to have workplace rules against it (at least by what I understood to be coastal American norms), but having soft norms against it seems probably preferable.
*other examples that might fall into this category: monogamy, body positivity, feminism, Christianity; I’m sure people can generate other examples.
To be clear, when I voted that talking about polyamory in the workplace is OK, I meant someone telling a coworker about their own life/preferences/experiences.
For context on my own vote: I’d give the same answer for talking about monogamy.
People should clearly be able to say “my partner(s) and I are celebrating my birthday tonight” and “it’s my anniversary!” and look at this cute picture of my metamour’s dog!” and then answer questions if a colleague says, “what’s a metamour?” Just like all colleagues should be able to talk about their families at work.
People should be aware that it’s risky to spend work time nerding out about dating, romantic issues, sex, hitting on people, etc. People should be aware that mono people in the Bay have often reported feeling pressured or judged for not being poly. But just like with any relation type, discussing romance at work is very likely to make someone feel uncomfortable and junior people often won’t feel like they can say so.
Maybe this would provide a little more context. Politics, sexual and romantic relationships, money, and religion are topics that are traditionally considered somewhat private in the USA, and are widely viewed as somewhat rude to talk about in public. I would feel fine talking about any of these topics with a close friend, but I wouldn’t want to hear a colleague discuss the details of their romantic relationship anymore than I want to hear the particulars of their money issues or their faith. Naturally, these norms can vary across cultures, but there is a fairly strong norm to not discuss these topics in a workplace in the USA, at least.
The other big factor that comes to mind for me is the difference between a mere mention in passing and a repeated/regular topic of conversation. On a very superficial level, we are there to work, not to talk about relationships. On a more social/conversational level, I don’t want to be repeatedly badgered with an someone else’s relationship status or romantic adventures. I don’t think that polyamory should be a prohibited topic any more than “do you want to have kids someday” or “I’m excited for a date this weekend” should be prohibited. But if any of those are repeatedly brought up in the workplace… Well, I’d like to have a workplace free from that type of annoyance. So (for me at least) it is less about there shouldn’t be discussion of polyamory in the workplace, and more about there shouldn’t be regular and extended discussions of people’s personal relationships in the workplace.
I’m assuming that the colleague is an acquaintance, rather than a friend.
I think this is something to be careful of but I think putting it on a risk register or saying people shouldn’t do it is a big step. And not what people do with other relationships.
Seems more of a post hoc justification than a coherent position regardless of relationship type.
Talking about about a partner’s existence or day to day life with them is not widely considered private or rude (source: an American). Getting specific about feelings or sex is private, but serious partners come up in a lot of casual ways (what’d you do this weekend? Went roller skating with my girlfriend).
Elizabeth, if the meaning coming across is that I am proposing the mere acknowledgement of a partner’s existence as rude, then I have phrased my writing poorly. I agree that talking about about a partner’s existence or day to day life with them is not widely considered private or rude. It seems that we both agree that mentioning (What’d you do this weekend? Went roller skating with my girlfriend) is fine, and getting into specifics is more private.
I think maybe the misunderstanding might be focused on what “talking” means.