Thanks for the kind words!
I think you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, not just what you tried and failed to do.
I agree! At least the more rational, objective part of my brain knows that. It’s the rest of my brain that still needs convincing. Depression and related maladies make rainbows into meaningless smears of gray. Like, I know it’s a rainbow, but is that really as good as they get?
Maybe it’s easier to see the implacable determination of a self-destructive brain when it comes to thoughts like this:
have a partner and a supportive family
My mental response distorts this in impressive way, like one of those contortionists that perform inhuman feats to cram themselves into a box. Here it’s not that I expected a “better” family; to the contrary, I don’t deserve such a wonderful family. I need to be better because they deserve better.
Strangely enough, “Phantoms in the Brain,” a book that didn’t talk much about depression, really helped me to understand the ways the brain can simultaneously see something clearly and yet be blind to it or fail to see the obvious solution.
One thing I know for sure: my kids will learn about mental health and self-compassion much, much sooner than I did. Even my contortionist-lobe agrees.
Thank you! I’m relieved to have finally posted it. There were some failed attempts because I way overthink everything that’s remotely social, even something as low-stakes as posting pseudonymously.
I didn’t expect to get this many comments, and I really didn’t expect so much positivity and encouragement! This community really is fantastic, and I hope someday to overcome my personal foibles with social media and engage regularly with you wonderful people.
Thanks for asking. It’s a great question, and I wish I had good answers. I’ve thought about how people like me can be incorporated better, and I honestly don’t know.
The encouragement is helpful! For people who already obsess about maximizing impact, it helps to be reminded that any impact (or expected value of impact?) is still very real and valuable. I shudder to think that someone who donates any amount to AMF would ever feel bad about it, yet I know how hard it can be to convince oneself otherwise. Related, I’m glad 80k Hours has eased off on the messaging that EA should focus on the top 1% of people who have most of the impact (ivy league, etc) because that kind of thing is alienating and discouraging to everyone who isn’t in that group. Even if it’s true, I don’t need the reminder.
As far as getting connected, at a surface level maybe it has been tougher to live in a metro area without local meetups; however, lack of opportunity has never been the root problem for me personally. After all, remote meetups have existed forever, and I have made astonishingly little effort to participate. Broadly speaking, “mental health” is the closest I get to a root cause. Ever since I read that survey saying that social anxiety was the most common reason people didn’t engage actively (I hope I’m remembering that correctly), I have wondered about solutions to that. Engagement is a hard problem generally, one that Facebook et. al. spend huge sums to solve. Engagement of those reluctant to engage anywhere… especially hard.
So yeah, more mental health resources and research (!) would be helpful. I recommended to 80k Hours that they add more mental health and self care content, and I gather they’re working towards that. The episode with Howie about his mental health challenges helped me tremendously, both because of his story and the practical tips. Spencer Greenberg’s podcast is helpful too.
I deeply appreciate the hard work that has gone into building the EA community. I hope my post didn’t come across as critical of them in any way.